Cripes, Suzette!

She's Almost Done

ALMOST DONE

Just when we thought that we'd never see Hillary's bare arms, here she is trying hard to keep up with Michelle O. Look at the poor guy on the left, obviously disgruntled about having to turn over one of his personalized aprons, displaying his annoyance by emblazoning his opinion of HRC onto his own apron front. His eyes may be smiling but embroidery doesn't lie.

I do not rejoice in the prospect of Hillary's defeat. As you know, I dearly hoped that she would remain in the spotlight for a long, long time. I suppose one can still hope that she'll work some of that famous Clinton behind-the-scenes magic and suddenly turn up with more superdelegates than ABC*,  or maybe all the superdelgates will be found dead in a park somewhere - who knows? Anything can happen now!

I must say, Google Images has been very accommodating to me where HRC is concerned. Wasn't it just the other day that I was longing for a photo of Hill with bare arms? I see now that I should have been more specific .

Dear Google Images,

Can you please find me an image of Hillary with bare arms winning at Bingo! Thanks a bunch.

Suzette

*America's biggest vote getter: Anybody But Clinton

Wart Watch: Level 1

Hillary Clinton: America's First Lithuaniac President

[This post was inspired by Tigerhawk's pondering on the validity of HRC as the First Latina President.]

If the case can be made that Distinguished Former President William Jefferson Clinton  was the first black president, then I'd like to make the case for Hillary as America's First Lithuaniac President. Not only does she continue to use her clothing and jewelry to send signals to certain interest groups, but her physical appearance is one continuous salute to the Lithuanian-American voter.

In the same way that pasta makes the heart of Italians beat faster and lutefisk continues to hold a certain power over Finnish-Americans, there are certain foods that make the Lits glow and Hillary doesn't miss a one of them.

• Kapusta Power to the people! Not only does she have a cabbage-shaped head, but she often styles her hair into a tribute to boiled cabbage leaves.  In this photo, we get a 2-for-1 as HRC does her crowd-pleasing imitation, the "herring face".

• puts the "sour" in sour cream

• "beets" husband with home decor accessories

• The preferred foodstuffs of the Lithuanian-American community is anything that is white, cheap and greasy. Here is our gal Hill  missing the message by trying to consume a paper napkin that fits the definition.

But it's not just the foods -

• Derived from the capitol city of Lithuania, her Secret Service code name is "Evilnius"


• She lives in constant worry of being swallowed up by enormous nearby entity waiting in the shadows for another chance to dominate.

• Just in case that happens, she displays the "safe signal" to Russian overlords by adorning herself with Baltic amber. Question: what is the national bird of Lithuania? (Hillary - people are saying that you're a CRONE, not a CROW. Give up with the animal imitations- the herring was a good one; this one not so much. Although I must say - nice choppers!)

• Crushing the tender heart of Lit-Am sportsfans by outdoing beloved quarterback Johnny Unitas by displaying her full back.
  

• Has sympathetic affinity for Perkunas, the Lithuanian god of thunder(thighs). It's no coincidence that in Baltic mythology, Perkunas was pulled forward by a Billy goat.

So there we have it - I think the latinas are going to have to get in line if they want HRC to be the first latina President. She's busy with the Lits.

Wart Watch: Level 6

 

Hillary Courts The Pimp Vote

The HRC campaign has taken exception to a remark made by an MSNBC anchor suggesting the Clinton campaign has "pimped out" Chelsea.

Maybe Obama is right about the generation gap thing and Hillary and her people are out of it (and so is David Schuster) - somebody get these people over to Urban Dictionary to look up the definition of pimped out. Chelsea already got pimped out with her multi-procedure cosmetic surgery - too bad she's reverting. One thing surgery couldn't fix is her man hands - she's still got her mother's face and her daddy's bony fingers.

Now if by "pimped out", everyone involved interpreted that to mean "physically used for the benefit of a master" - again, look it up - then I don't think that there's much question that the campaign is doing exactly that. And it's not going over very well, either. Observe this clip of The View ladies making fun of the phone calls Chelsea placed to them on behalf of her mother.

Now if you want to talk about the real definition of pimping out, Hillary herself is the master. Did I not tell you that something was fishy with her sudden embrace of the bling? Observe her wedding ring finger one day before the DVF endorsement and look again during her Seattle appearance on Thursday.

 

See what I'm sayin'? NOW who's the pimped out one?

With this post we inaugurate a new feature here at Cripes, Suzette!: The Wart Watch. when I fist saw this thing on her upper lip, I tought it was an unfortunately timed herpes outbreak, but I've seen it in more than one shot now. It's not always prominent - depends on the lightings, the angle and the thickness of the makeup, but if you look for it, there it is. Click on the image on the right and you'll see that Wart Watch comes in at about a Level 3 on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the maximum wartiness.

Wart Watch: Level 9