Cripes, Suzette!

Bitch Mode

Bravo TV had a sneak peak of The Real Housewives of New Jersey last night. View full episode here.

Lucky for you that you know me because I believe that I can enhance your reality tv watching experience by comparing this show with what life is like for real NJ housewives. The preview was only 30 minutes long but there's way to much to sort through for a recap.I strongly suggest that you go to the Bravo TV website and look at the full episode until recaps start appearing on the internet, but until then, I will say this:

Reality TV -

• What they got wrong:  signage of the turnpike is shown during the scene bumpers instead of the Parkway. I am outraged. Lots of states have turnpikes but the Garden State Parkway is strictly Jersey. That reveals a strong NYC influence -straight out of the Lincoln Tunnel - over the production. THESE ARE THE SAME PEOPLE WHO COME HERE TO PICK OUR PUMPKINS. That's all I'm saying.
  
• What they got right: everything else. These are the people I have to compete with for parking spaces. If you want to survive in a state with people like these, you must learn to avoid eye contact and pretend that either they aren't there or you aren't there.

Reality -

Near the end of her workday, real NJ housewife Suzette called her husband to meet her for dinner. While headed to Applebee's for  2 for $20 dinner package, she suddenly remembered that a cab driver told her about a local diner where the food is good, plentiful and cheap. Suzette's husband Sami enjoyed a gyro platter but Suzette could have done better than the meatloaf dinner. In true Jersey style, they took up 2 of the 8 most convenient parking spaces.

Later that evening, a Corelle plate that was mistakenly placed on a warmish stove burner shattered into bits so the whole family pulled together to engage in shard patrol. Worn out from walking back and forth in the kitchen, Suzette went upstairs, put on yesterday's nightgown and settled in to watch some TV.

An Open Letter To The Producers of The Real Housewives of New York

Dear PoRHoNY,

You're losing me. I want to like RHONY - I DO like it - but you're making it so hard for me.This is my worry list:

1. Enough with the Hamptons already. These women are creatures of New York CITY. Get back there.
2. Kelly Killoren Bensimon. Really? Because you couldn't find anyone MORE boring?
3. The commercial breaks are killing me. I'm glad your show is hot and you have attracted so many advertising dollars, but skipping over the ads on a recording leaves you with a 32 minute broadcast. Very uncool.

Love, Suzette

UPDATE: Things are looking up. I think the Countess Hillbilly just called the Count "a scuzz" via cellphone.

Terrifying Power With Its Shiny Appearance

The Real Housewives of Orange County -Season 4 premiered this week. I was too busy on Wednesday night to catch the first broadcast - it's Bravo, after all and they re-run every episode of every show round the clock for a week so I'm not too worried. I'll catch it sooner or later.

Yes, you had your RWO Atlanta - which didn't interest me enough to watch any part of any episode - and your RHWO NewYork City - which was so good I still rerun parts of it in my head before I go to sleep. But this one is the first and the best. As they say on the blogs, one cannot look away.

Now I won't go on about the main players or what I think of them (at least not for now) but I do have some pieces of information to impart:

1. The newest housewife is a 30 year-old cookie-cutter blonde with a 53 year old boyfriend.  He's been married 5 times and he has leukemia. Teaser video clips on the bravo website show them shopping for a 4.5 carat diamond ring. Apparently, their relationship is going to be a main focus of this season, but guess what? He's already dead.

2. The RH's had a make-under, courtesy of that new millenium busybody, Oprah. The point - now get this: the point was to make them look like RHWO New York City. Or, as the O website puts it: "transformed from their homogeneous perfection to a metropolitan, slightly eccentric, chic." Wouldn't you like to see that?

3. I was looking around to see if anyone had already blogged the high points of this season opener and I came across this intriguing if somewhat jumbled recap:

"This season, Tabanan Here, VICKO Gunvalson, Jean Keough and Laura Peterson joined 30 years, Gretchen Rossi. Although it seems that the terrifying power with its shiny appearance, and other women to maintain balanced position and balance daily.

Second, more should be solved problems and housewives in order to continue juggling the way to success. How they came to consensus on its last, a woman must feel great to overcome slow to defend its reputation. Wiki is faced with difficulties in family Don, because it is focused on the creation of insurance empire.

Who lives in a housemother, Tabanan, was still trying to connect him - from his father, strangers he requested 21 years old son Ryan. In the meantime, Jean cope with the emotional separation from her husband, Matt, a picture of what to do next.

Laura, on the other hand, he tries to live blissful, magical life. However, problems with their son, Jos, could prevent him from dreams."

 As fascinating an introduction to the OC ladies as this is, this might not be the most reliable reviewer on the Internets. The author has a piece up on Rham Emanuel that states in part  

"We all know about the humble and great man named as Rahm Emanuel. He is the man who congrates the Barak Obama at the hstorical victory of him in the election against McCain's Republican party. And ya he is the in the Democratic Party."

Although ya indeed he is in the Democratic Party, even his own mother would never refer to him as humble.