Cripes, Suzette!

Drop Dead Date

Dear Ringo Starr,

This is a serious warning to you that after October 20th, I will not be sending you any fan mail. I have too much to do. I'm also going to be asking you to give me back 1/4 of the cumulative lifetime total dollars that I spent on Beatle records. If you're not willing to wade through a vat of blood and excrement for it, I'm willing to take it out in trade - I'll call you in about 6 weeks to have you touch up my roots.

Peace and love.
Peace and love.

Suzette

P.S. Since this is our last communication, I telling you in peace and love that all the times I declared my "Favorite Beatle" allegiance to John, George or Paul, you were never in the running. Also, your acting reeks as bad as your drum playing. And you're short.

[Note to Dogette: I know you have a list of celebrities that have never finished high school. Can you start one for celebrities who have never started high school and put this guy's name at the top? Unless you have too much to do.]

An Open Letter To The Person Who Thought Up Those Very Convenient Reserved Parking spaces for Expectant Mothers or Mothers With Small Children

Dear Person Who Thought Up Those Very Convenient Reserved Parking Spaces for Expectant Mothers or Mothers With Small Children,

Thanks! The community of Hard-working Middle-aged Women with Sore Feet Shopping for Fish Fillets for Dinner really appreciate it. If any one should ask me where my small children are, I'm going to say that the last time I saw them, they were in the '90s. Can you start working on No-Wait Restaurant Seating on Saturday Night for Expectant Mothers or Mothers With Small Children or possibly Guaranteed Aisle Seat-Middle Row Seating at  Newly Released Movies for Expectant Mothers or Mothers With Small Children? I'd like to take advantage of all that, too. Also, if you happen to run across Moses, can you ask him to stand by in case any expectant mothers or mothers with small children need any on-demand sea-parting? Thanks again!

Love,

Suzette

 

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE HATERS

Dear  HATERS,

Do you really imagine that I don't know the difference between tweed and slubbed silk? You might have a case if you thought I made an error about dupioni and shantung - although that would never happen - but really now ... this accusation  is too much to bear.

Darlings, all comedy is an exaggeration of the truth. I know she's not wearing tweed but it's entirely believable and I had you there for a minute, didn't I? Don't take everything so seriously. Loosen up the buckles on your Birkenstocks and let a fresh breeze blow up your dirndls once in a while. It might do you some good.

Best regards, Suzette

p.s. - It occurs to me that we never see HRC carrying a purse. Question: What if she has to sneeze? This might be the explanation for wardrobe selections designed around easy-access to her own boob crack - that's where she keeps her Kleenex.