Cripes, Suzette!

Clinging To A Blackberry

Ol' Silver Tonsils doesn't use words loosely. Everything that comes out of his mouth is "calibrated" for an intended effect.

Obama: I used to pray every night - now I pray ALL the time
(and get devotionals on my Blackberry) Daily Mail UK

Gawd. What a sly ass. The Blackberry Prayer? Really?

" The Blackberry Prayer: The supplicating position one assumes when grasping the popular six-ounce wireless combination e-mailer/phone known as the BlackBerry between your palms and thumb-tapping messages on its QWERTY keyboard."  Urban Dictionary

It makes one wonder, doesn't it, if every one of his sentences is peppered with purposefully provocative words and phrases that are not what they seem to be on the surface. The use of "jigger" in the race baiting firebomb he threw out Wednesday night, the implication that the Secret Service would shoot him if he tried to enter a locked  White House, the blue collar-style libation he suggested as a peacemaker between police and accuser.

I find that last one particularly interesting because the only beers BO consumes are for the cameras. The drinking preferences of both Obamas has been obsessively cataloged all over the internet. Evey breathless report about those romantic dates nights includes a reference to World Famous Fashion Icon and Busy Mom Michelle Obama's™ two pre-dinner martinis and mentions the selections of fine wines during the meal.

But for this high-profile event, the drink offered is a beer.  Why? Because the cop is a blue-collar man in America? Maybe Professor Gates will change his plans and do a documentary on beer-drinkers for PBS.

Speaking Truth to Glamor

Always so much to talk about when it comes to World Famous Fashion Icon and Busy Mom Michelle Obama™!

AP Headline: Mrs. Obama bringing glamor to Moscow this weekend

"Michelle Obama brings her superstar glamor to Moscow this weekend as she accompanies her husband on his summit with the Russian president."

You mean like the personal style she brought to Paris on her recent vacation? The MSM continues to promote the idea that World Famous Fashion Icon and Busy Mom Michelle Obama is more that she actually is. Glamour? What she has is a personal style and that style is far from glamorous. Unless this linked article purposely misspells glamour and is trying to credit her with some new fashion trend made up of too-small cardigans, too-high belts and age-inappropriate choices.

Let's talk today about basic female body shapes. Every woman without exception knows what they are and which one she has. The idea is then to dress to conceal or flatter. In the event that my male readers are not familiar with this, let me inform you that the basic shapes are: apple, banana, pear and hourglass.

But now, thanks to our first lady, a fifth shape has been discovered ...

... the wine bottle shape. Or maybe it's the "glamor" shape.

Now here's some fashion advice for Michelle : wearing a wide belt on your ribcage doesn't help anything. Note how the boob droops over the belt. Fetching!

It looks wrong because it is wrong. No one is going to think that's a cool fashion trend. Not all of your ideas are good ones. Until we start seeing women walking around  with a big belt worn on the outside of a sweater, you're on your own, style-wise.

Don't believe your own press and start thinking that whatever you do is going to be copied by people without style of their own or schlubs who who have no idea what to do with themselves.

Or maybe it will:

A Come As She Are Party?

I'm thinking of having a World Famous Fashion Icon and Busy Mom Michelle Obama™ party. Guests must come as a representation of something easily recognizable as MO. I'm looking more for her essence rather than a full costume so it should be a fairly easy thing to pull off.

Guests could select from this list of defining elements:

• a child's sweater, worn with only one middle button closed
• half of a ping pong ball with an iris drawn onto it
• angry eyebrows
• a big pin
• a big belt
• big shoes
• a garden trowel and a handful of arugula
• a dog leash
• other

Even the menfolk could easily do well with this theme. Just cut off the sleeves of an old shirt and show those guns. Bang! Or if you're feeling festive, swath yourself in toilet paper as homage to her memorable but ghastly inauguration gown.

The jewelry should be easy. Short of visiting a flea market and/or dumpster and picking the 3 most hideous plastic items and wearing them all bunched together, any giant paper flower, Xmas garland, ropes, chains and metallic spray paint will do.

I guess I'm not the only one who's had this idea. If you do a search for "lady clown shoes", such a thing exists but they are sold out everywhere. I guess I could use these clown sneakers and add green sparkles to the toecaps and write "LANVIN" across the heel with a magic marker. Maybe add a dangling price tag with $540.00 written on it.

Wahdayah think,  Bingley? A MO-themed  Barbeque on July 11th?

The Caboose Is Loose

Gosh, you know, the fashion photos of MO's European vacation are so full of blog fodder that it makes one weary to even contemplate blogging about it.  Thank heavens World Famous Fashion Icon and Busy Mom Michelle Obama™ is back at home - but that doesn't necessarily mean that she is slacking in the personal style department. Pas du tout!

Here she is, the envy of early morning dog-walkers everywhere.

 

.

Ol' Boom Boom is back on American soil, showing off her trademark 48" stride as she walks her daughters' dog  across the White House lawn. Oh, the color sense - who but the fabulous first lady would pair bright orange with faded madras? An arm-revealing sleeveless tank top with pearl earrings? And who among us could not admire her fearless refusal to be locked into  those stuffy old notions regarding foundation garments?

So youthful and fit! Looks like all that healthy eating combined with a rigorous exercise schedule is really paying off for our gal here. What an example for the rest of us! Talk about "walking the walk" - our gal is giving it her customary 120% and is positively POUNDING the walk!

Fashion Report From France

Michelle Obama Arrives in Paris
Invents Scarf-Wearing

Dateline Paris June 5, 2009 - World Famous  Fashion Icon and Busy Mom Michelle Obama™ arrived in Paris today with as many relatives and hangers-on as could fit on one plane after the luggage was loaded. The city of Paris was beside itself as the Obama gals surprised the Eiffel Tower with a visit that was arranged for the sole purpose of showing off Michelle's latest fashion invention: wearing a scarf.

Michelle was accompanied by her giant 10 year old daughter and enormous 12 year old niece as well as other, shorter relatives. Full-time professional make-up artist Ingrid Grimes-Myles was on permanent standby for touch-ups in case the face paint cracks. Grimes-Myles has become an indispensable member of the first lady's entourage because she is the only one who has managed to balance out the little eye situation by drawing only half an eyebrow over the big eye.

 

Other fashion high-notes on display include a popped collar for Malaria and the tail from an actual pony stuck onto the back of little Sashay's head. The first lady pulled out another pair of $540.00  Lanvin sneakers for this trip- this time in green - possibly signaling her intention to ladle out $216.00 prix-fixe dinners from Le Jules Verne food bank located upstairs in the Eiffel Tower.

.............................................................................

First Lady Brings Chicago Style to International Stage
Big and Bumpy

Dateline Normandy  June 6, 2009 Michelle Obama took the petite French First Lady  to school by showing her up with a display of her big American style elements. First she strapped a WWF wrestling belt around her ribcage and complemented its metallic finish with matching strappy sandals.

 

Some fashionistas have mistakenly attributed this highly desirable "Squeeze-Me Michelle" look in footwear to the fact that these shoes are manufactured only as big as size 12 and cannot accommodate Michelle's gigantic feet, but that is not true. This trend is all the rage in Chicago as it emulates the mysterious and alluring "6th toe" look first made popular by Oprah Winfrey.

 

 World Famous Fashion Icon and Busy Mom Michelle Obama™ could not resist showcasing her biggest asset on the international stage. In the battle of the butts, she completely eclipsed the trim Mme. Sarkozy.

Shocker! White House Denies Bow

In a stern announcement this afternoon, the White House rushed to issue a firm objection to Michelle Obama's bow, an outfit that drew praise from Obamamaniacs and criticism from independent thinkers and also those with eyeballs.

"It wasn't a bow. It was a clown tie." said an Obama aide, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. White House spokespeople refused to comment when asked if the "bow" converted into a hajib suitable for meeting Turkish dignitaries.

The Washington Times called the alleged bow a  "shocking display of unsuitable  fashion decision" and said it violated centuries of American tradition of trying to avoid making yourself look like a 6 foot tall asshat.

Tell Me Again Why This Woman Is Being Touted As The Epitome of Fashion

Michelle Obama hits the ground running on her way to lunch with DC mayor. She's wearing a coat and lumpy dress in two different shades of blue, a pink scarf, green shoes, a black belt and her customary non-hairdo. She completes her personal style statement by shouldering a brown carry-on bag.

click thumbnails for larger images

Besides the get dressed in the dark color palette of this outfit, these photos give up a few other things to ponder:

•  Picture 1 shows the 44" stride length of the first lady as she thunders towards the restaurant. If her footprints were found at a crime scene, the investigation would be delayed because forensics would certainly never  attribute them to a female.
• Picture 3 is a clear example of the unladylike stance of MO at rest. Look at the genteel and appropriate foot placement of the other ladies in the photo. Now look at the mayor. Even he has his feet placed closer to each other than MO does.

I'm all for personal style and I find myself hoping she gets it right. It seems, though, since she moved into the White House, she's pulled out moire misses than hits. Might be time for a stylist - a real one this time, not just someone interested in moving merchandise from her own boutique.