Cripes, Suzette!

Breathing Fresh Air - I Recommend It

Your faithful reporter is tired, very tired. AND my hand is all screwed up from clutching the mouse for 14 hours a day. This work business is really very burdensome. Some days, I don't even get outside at all. Last night, at about 7pm , I made it a point to go outside on the deck to enjoy what was left of the evening.

actual backyard of Suzette

Remind me to go outside as much as possible until the weather turns. I'm not one much for direct sunlight in the middle of the day but I do like a good twilight. The impending change of seasons makes enjoying the sunsets at this time of year all the more precious and I made appointments for myself to see as many as possible. If that doesn't work, I'm going to activate a pop-up reminder in my Outlook calendar. What is technology for, if not to serve us?

Bitch Mode

Bravo TV had a sneak peak of The Real Housewives of New Jersey last night. View full episode here.

Lucky for you that you know me because I believe that I can enhance your reality tv watching experience by comparing this show with what life is like for real NJ housewives. The preview was only 30 minutes long but there's way to much to sort through for a recap.I strongly suggest that you go to the Bravo TV website and look at the full episode until recaps start appearing on the internet, but until then, I will say this:

Reality TV -

• What they got wrong:  signage of the turnpike is shown during the scene bumpers instead of the Parkway. I am outraged. Lots of states have turnpikes but the Garden State Parkway is strictly Jersey. That reveals a strong NYC influence -straight out of the Lincoln Tunnel - over the production. THESE ARE THE SAME PEOPLE WHO COME HERE TO PICK OUR PUMPKINS. That's all I'm saying.
  
• What they got right: everything else. These are the people I have to compete with for parking spaces. If you want to survive in a state with people like these, you must learn to avoid eye contact and pretend that either they aren't there or you aren't there.

Reality -

Near the end of her workday, real NJ housewife Suzette called her husband to meet her for dinner. While headed to Applebee's for  2 for $20 dinner package, she suddenly remembered that a cab driver told her about a local diner where the food is good, plentiful and cheap. Suzette's husband Sami enjoyed a gyro platter but Suzette could have done better than the meatloaf dinner. In true Jersey style, they took up 2 of the 8 most convenient parking spaces.

Later that evening, a Corelle plate that was mistakenly placed on a warmish stove burner shattered into bits so the whole family pulled together to engage in shard patrol. Worn out from walking back and forth in the kitchen, Suzette went upstairs, put on yesterday's nightgown and settled in to watch some TV.

And Furthermore ...

I'd like to draw your attention to the ongoing discussion in this post about the pestilent cavalcade of pumpkin pickers from NY who invade NJ this time of year. Really, Stankleberry - you must take this on.

An educational and insightful remark by frequent commenter and personal enviro-advisor The Proprietor led me to make a proposal that is not only a solution for the  traffic aggravation caused by this seasonal situation, but I do believe that  it could earn me a "NJ Citizen of the Year" Award. If such an award doesn't exist, I'd settle for "Best Tomato in New Jersey" but I still want the medal that goes with it.

See what you think:

Original Comment by The Proprietor:  "It's called "agro-tourism" and has replaced driving a school bus as the way for a farmer to make ends meet. Without it the Garden State wouldn't have the remaining farms it has.

Add to that the overtime the cops make trying to herd these city folk and you have a real boost to the local economy.

Having said that, sitting behind an SUV with NY plates when I want to get somewhere on the weekend makes me want to go buy war surplus bazookas on the Internet. And use them."

Suzette says:  "Well, here's an idea then. Let's cover all those tank farms in Elizabeth with dried corn stalks and run the hayrides through them. It would beautify the view from the turnpike and shorten the trip from the Outerbridge Crossing and the Goethals for the NYers.

All those pumpkins don't grow on the Monmouth County farms anyway - they are brought in and laid down on top of the dirt the week before. Take them to the cargo lots at Newark Liberty and lay them down there. Think of the mazes you could build using unclaimed freight instead of dead corn plants.

Also, the Turnpike toll takers could dress up as Batman and gorillas wearing bib overalls for extra festivity.

What's Corzine's address? I'm going to write to him to suggest this. I'll probably get some kind of Citizen's Medal for this idea."

Illustrated New Jersey

Bad. There's a high-risk crossroads near my house. No fatalities that I can recall, but frequent crashes. Years ago, a flashing light was installed, yellow flashes for the up/down hill direction and red flashes for flats. A few weeks ago, someone decided to change everything to a 4-way stop. And they knew it was going to be trouble because they put 2 stop signs from each direction, and another one about 50 feet ahead of the intersection for a total of 12 signs, 3 facing each direction.

The problem is that no one seems to understand who goes first. You never know what is going to happen - most often,  all cars headed east/west go, then all cars headed north/south go. Sometimes nobody goes and everybody just sits for a while. and, its right at the place where they built the paddocks, so the longer people sit there, the more likely it is that the tiny donkey will catch their eye and that makes them even less attentive.

Good. This is New Jersey. Photo taken on 9/23/08 about 8:30pm from the boardwalk on Long Branch near Pier Village. Envy us.

Pending. This section is temporarily good, but is going to go bad soon. It's pouring rain this weekend and I say hurray! because its holding back the pestilent cavalcade of pumpkin pickers from invading Monmouth County. On this map, I indicate in red where I work and where I live. I chose to drive home on a county highway rather than take the big yellow Garden State Parkway (cost 70c) and you can see that there are 11 green dots along that road representing the Hayride/Pumpkin picking cartel here. Of course, during PP season, it's impossible to navigate so one is forced to go on the Parkway to maintain sanity.Now that I think about it, NJ governor Reckless Jon is probably marketing the Monmouth county pumpkin picking opportunities to the Staten Islanders and Brooklynites in an underhanded way to increase the toll revenue. Dastardly!

Here's my proposal for the year: instead of trying to fight the masses of New York humanity who are anxiously waiting to pile up 8 to a car and spend a Sunday idling on Rt 34, I say now bring 'em on. Give everybody a free pass to the corn mazes, and once they're inside, fling their car keys over the top of the corn row. Whoever can find their keys again gets to go back on the road.

That should do it.

Hairspray & You - Perfect Together

Ah, sweet summertime in New Jersey!

Mayor, In Newsletter, Offends Tourists -

"As the Staten Island girl was pummeling the Boonton girl's face, she used the hand she was still holding her drink glass in," the mayor wrote. "Now, we're not sure if the glass was stuck to her hand cause of all the hair spray or if this is a technique Staten Island girls learn in Brownies ... "

Well done, sir. The mayor of Route 34 Pumpkin-Picking Places could take a lesson from you. If it take insults to keep them out, so be it. Although I must say, you really should reconsider your disparagement of hairspray.

Groups Want Belmar Mayor to Visit Staten Island

"Two groups want Belmar Mayor Ken Pringle to visit the borough, or else . Pringle has said he's sorry for disparaging comments he made in the town's July 4 newsletter, which played on stereotypes featuring "Staten Island girls," "blondes" and Italian-Americans as "Guidos (They're always tanned to the color of coconut shells and easily identified by their plumage: ... The call of the Guido is bellowing, and frequently slurred, invariably starting with the sound, 'Yo'....)"

Ok - blondes? You didn't say you insulted both blondes and hairspray. I'm having a hard time giving you my full endorsement now, but for purely humanitarian reasons I feel that I have to advise you: Honey, don't go. No good can come of it.

Further proving the point that New Yorkers don't know from the Jersey Shore, the NY Post refers to Belmar as "a two-bit Jersey beach town" and quotes a clue-impaired 25-year-old SI firefighter "If it weren't for Staten Islanders, there probably wouldn't be a Belmar". As if.

Belmar is famously known for swarms of college-age kids on the beaches, in the rentals, on the streets, in the bars and staggering all over the streets, sidewalks and private lawns. In fact, this is nothing new. In 2007, the town designated certain rentals as official "Animal Houses":

"These are properties that have had two or more proven quality of life violations in any 12-month period over the past 4 years. Even if your rental receives just one violation this summer and you have never been involved in previous violations, YOU MAY BE LIABLE FOR ENHANCED ANIMAL HOUSE PENALTIES AS A RESULT. If so, we will post a uniformed Sheriff's Officer outside your rental on each Friday and Saturday night for the rest of the summer. We charge your landlord $1,000 per weekend for that officer. Most landlords hold their tenants liable for that cost, so check your lease."

The town even banned BeerPong  in a too-little-too-late effort to cut back on public nuisances. If every Staten Islander, New Yorker, Queens Queen and Up-Stater never set foot into Belmar again, the space would be taken up by people of the same ilk from other locations: self-centered alcohol-soaked youths looking for a good time in a known party town where none of their relatives live. It's not just Belmar - poor old Belmar just happens to be one of the first shore towns you hit as you make you way south along the coast - only 50 miles from Staten Island.

For your further reading pleasure: At the Jersey Shore, Guidos Are Pumped for the Prime of Their Lives  "Guidos belong to summer, and summer belongs to the guidos..."

Read it and (a) understand, (b) be afraid, and (c) be glad you don't live anywhere near this, let alone own one of these properties.

A Tale of Three Martini Dispenseries: Fill In the Details For Yourselves

Houlihan's - undeniably watering down the hootch. Status: rebuked.

Morgan's - permanently closed. Staus: unavailable.

Applebee's - recreated the beach on their outdoor patio, complete with sand and beach grass, conveniently located at the foot of the parkway ramp. So very Jersey. Status: new regular place.

This Is How We Do It - Jersey Style

Wow! I haven't had a birthday like this since I was 8 years old.

Seafood on the ocean for supper. An array of fabulous gifts. A surprise floral delivery from California from a little boy who now is a man. Treated to a Kung Po luncheon. A festive cake. Serandaded 6 times in person, by telephone, voice mail and intercom. People I haven't heard from in three years popping in to wish me well on my birthday.

Witness:


 This is New Jersey, people.The weather was perfect for eating supper on the patio right next to the boardwalk. This is a cellphone shot taken during a lull between the King Crab Oreganato and The Angry Lobster. Where are your Soprano and turnpike jokes now? It's as good as being in Laguna Beach only we don't have to pump our own gas.



Happy is she who has raised a real man who remembers his mother's birthday without prompting and is excited about surprising her with a thoughtful present. I am a rich woman.

The youngest member of the family turns out to be the actual Birthday Fairy. She does, as she puts it, "pay attention". Here is her hand at work:

• a DVD of Pride and Prejudice. I mentioned this so long ago that even I forgot about it. I hope it rains over the weekend so we can hunker down and watch this straight through. Otherwise I shall be sorely vexed. It would be too much to be borne if the sun was out and I had to make a choice.
• The Jet As Art. Wow - I wish you could see the beautiful photography in this book. It's so much better than I anticipated. Requires study - expect to hear about it again.
• a cordless illuminated flamingo. On at dusk/off at dawn.
• a homemade Tre Leches cake ablaze with some diplomatically chosen candles that avoid the indelicate "how many?" question.

"I'm Mr. Darcy - Fly Me."
Okie dokie, Mr. Darcy!



I bet you don't have one, do you?
Your light-up flamingo probably has a cord.



And one to grow on - there were actually four leches involved in this cake.
I was so focused on working up enough wind to blow these all out that I forgot to make a wish. If it's not too late, let me make it now: I hope everyone of you has a birthday celebration this good.




FYI - The Thursday Night Martini Club definetly has to relocate to the place where we had the birthday dinner. It's only about 4 miles away from our usual spot and it has an outdoor bar, live music and an ocean. Of course, we'll have to get there at 2 in the afternoon to get a seat, but everything is a trade off, is it not? 

If we do move there, the Thursday Night Martini Club might have to have a seasonal change in designation. Just call us the Thursday Night Steamed Clams and Cold Beer Club.

I Have Connections But Unfortunatley Those Connections Cannot Connect With Anyone Else

My life is fairly unexciting, and I accept that. I'm used to it and I take my pleasure in the adventurers of others. This week, there were two major carrots dangled in front of me that caused my heart to beat faster.

First, an internet pal from Seattle told me that he was going to see Hillary at her Thursday night rally in Seattle. I was instantly euphoric because this person knows full well what elements interest me and was fully prepared to deliver.  In fact, in 2004 he was able to give me a detailed report after he was in close proximity to Teresa Heinz Kerry (off-white slacks and a deep salmon-colored silk shirt, was it not?)

But it was not to be. Traffic tie-ups prevented his attendance at the rally. And look what the woman was wearing - leopard spotted accessories! Our gal Hil is getting a lot of mileage out of that brown suit - here it is at  the recent Los Angeles debate paired up with an unfortunate choice of accessories. I like a nice bit of turquoise as much as the next girl, but Hillary - did your stylist miss the plane that night? FYI - Hillary is definitely NOT pulling little Chelsea around like a show pony. Take that, David Schuster! I'm sure there's a very good reason why she has to stand on stage glued to her mother's backside, mute and grinning.

And darlings - if the vision of the leopard accessories is not enough, how do you like her in kitten heels?

Hillary has deployed her cankle-cloaking hemline but cannot resist taunting us with a peek at the Hillary within. Kitten heels, people, Hillary in kitten heels! And the vision is only slightly marred by the swollen feet peeping out over the vamp. Obviously, she left her water pills in the case with her coordinating jewelry.

Immediately following this disappointment came news that another compadre, on another coast and on the other side of the aisle, would be attending an event celebrating the highlight of the Republican social season - the Lincoln Day Dinner. The entertainment promised here was none other than New Jersey state  treasure  Uncle Floyd. So balance is restored in my universe. I might not be getting a first-person account of a Hillary sighting, but by golly, I'd have me some Uncle Floyd. I was completely confident that I'd get as personalized a report as humanly possible, since this reporter had previously turned in satisfying reports about hotel toiletries and Vera Bradley handbags.

Alas, this was also an unfulfilled mission. I guess the boneless chicken breast was the big moment of the evening, because when that was over with, so was the party. Nevertheless, our man does provide these thrilling observations about Uncle Floyd:

1. He’s gotten pretty chunky.
2. He arrived wearing a Yankee cap and clubhouse jacket.
3. He travels light: his porkpie hat, plaid jacket and a guitar.
4. Oogie was nowhere to be seen.

Uncle Floyd established his signature style and stuck with it, unchanged over the years: the plaid jacket and porkpie hat. Not everyone can pull that off.

Fans of mp3s, crude song parodies and Jersey jokes, rejoice! Because he didn't get to hear it in person, I present to you now one of Uncle Floyd's classic compositions: Deep In The Heart of Jersey. Why this is not the official state song, I cannot imagine.

Wart Watch: Level 1