Cripes, Suzette!

Nightmare On Obama Street

That Obama family  sure knows how to get their masquerade on.

Check it out:

Imagine that he caught the attention of the cameras, the reporters, Secret Service men and vans and other assorted onlookers as he planned a leisurely stroll through his neighborhood for a little Trick or Treating. There's that poor judgment again. Let's see now: shutting out CBS affiliates who dare ask Joey B a real question, kicking reporters whose papers backed McCain off the campaign plane,  now "growing especially testy" with the media - this is getting to be quite the trend, isn't it? I wonder how he'll handle reporters who displease him after the Ascension?

Halloween is a great family holiday and the Obamas are no exception. They're just like us! Obama family disguises:

• Barry went as a girly man.
• Little Sashay dressed as a corpse bride
• Malaria was disguised as an evil fairy
• No word on Michelle's costume but anonymous inside sources reveal that it involved a big ugly brooch.
• Aunt  Zeituni pretended to be living within the law

Yes, another Obama relative surfaces with a too-hot-for-prime-time life story.

Old Auntie Z, a relative who appeared in your next president's Dreams From My Father, has turned up in Boston, illegal and on welfare. Not just any old illegal immigrant but a person who " was instructed to leave the United States by a U.S. immigration judge who denied her asylum request " - a deportee who simply refused to leave the country as ordered and then went on to obtain public housing and collect welfare.

It takes a village, eh Barry? Well,  your village is calling and it wants to give you some government money as a campaign donation. Auntie Z used some of her welfare money to contribute to Obama's campaign.

Is that legal? Oops! Aunt Zeituni does not do legal. My bad.

She declined to answer most other questions about her relationship with the presidential contender until after the November 4 election. “I can’t talk about it, I just pray for him, that’s all,” she said, adding: “After the 4th, I can talk to anyone.”

Hey, look! Aunt Zeituni is a regular media darling. Here's a reference to an AP interview in 2003:

An Associated Press story about poor people buying lottery tickets at cheque-cashing shops, from Cambridge, Massachusetts, on May 25, 2003, quotes a Zeituni Onyango whom it describes as out of work and without much money. “It's like when I feel luck might fall I do that, like manna might come from Heaven. That’s when I buy it,” she told AP.

Manna from Heaven. Looks like the lottery didn't pan out so now Auntie's betting her check on Barry's election. He didn't help you before, Zeituni, even though he was in the same city, made millions, garnered influence - what makes you think that your expectations for a better life thanks to him are going to be fulfilled now?

Keep running, Barry. Run far.

America's New Uncle

It's Uncle Joe, asking a gentleman in a wheelchair to stand up.


Gawd, I love this guy. He's the party uncle - harmless and clueless at the same time. good to inject a bit of life into an otherwise dull situation. You can always count on him for an overblown compliment that pulls everyone else into agreement. You know he's full of shit. He knows he's full of shit. Everybody knows, but that's the deal.

He's Uncle Joe! Everybody likes to have him around for a good time - just glad they don't have to see him every day.

Disturbed

All this run-up to the VP selection is making me anxious. I'm on pins and needles worrying that Obama will select Evan Bayh.

The man has undefined earlobes. Don't pretend that isn't disturbing. How can you look at anything else - say, for instance that insincere smile and those lifeless eyes - when the earlobes distract as they do? Earlobes continue to grow as a person ages so what is going to happen here? Will they grow out sideways instead of just growing long?

See how this is already too distracting? If he's the pick, it's going of spoil a good part of the fun of this highly amusing election season for me. Although he does have a wife named Susan and I would find it pleasant to see Susan Susan Susan in print all over the place.

Speaking of earlobes, have you ever seen the beauties on Martha Stewart? It's a rare photo where she lets them show and if they do show, they usually have some oversize jewelry on them. They're already suitably sized for a Buddha - how much more can they grow? And they're free-hanging, too not attached like Bayh's. I bet they flap in the wind.

LOOSELY RELATED CONTENT: Text Hoaxes Plague Obama VP Plan

Last week, I declared my amusement with the overhauled Wonkette and how  their snarky style appealed to me. I'm almost ready to take it back because it's become clear that they are more like unchecked adolescents than political humorists, but they redeem themselves with stuff like this: instructions and instigation to create fake VP text messages. Gotta love that.

HillaryWatch: First, Get Your Foot In The Door

From Our Department of What Could Possibly Go Wrong? -

Her: Ok, so you're the presumptive nominee -it's a done deal. Now don't you think it would be nice if you shared some of that center-stage love?

Him: "I know that I don't walk alone, and I know that if I can get myself out of the way that I can maybe carry out in some small way...."

Her: Focus, honey, focus. What I'm saying is, it can't possibly change anything for you if I make one of the prime time speeches during the convention. By the way, Bill's got nothing much to do now, so maybe he could have a spot, too?

Him: "I think that whether you are looking at it from a theological perspective or a scientific perspective, answering that question with specificity, you know, is above my pay grade."

Her: And my PUMAs insist on demonstrating thier lingering dissatisfaction. Talk about your bitters! Maybe if we could just place my name in nomination alongside yours during the traditional state-by-state delegation roll call vote? That would go a long way to creating party unity.

Him: "Evil does exist.I think it has to be confronted. It has to be confronted squarely. Now, the one thing that I think is very important is for to us have some humility in how we approach the issue of confronting evil, because a lot of evil’s been perpetrated based on the claim that we were trying to confront evil."

Her: Is that a yes or a no?

Him: "In the name of good, and I think, you know, one thing that’s very important is having some humility in recognizing that just because we think that our intentions are good, doesn’t always mean that we’re going to be doing good."

Her: * blink * *blink *

Him: Well, you know, it’s one of those situations where the devil’s in the details.

Her: OOO-kay. I'll take that as a yes.

Him : "Look, the - here’s how I think about it. Here’s how I think about it.Yes, well - depending."

Her: (whispers into cellphone) Hello, Bill? Like candy from a baby. Call Chelsea and tell her it's a go. Mama's coming back!

Him: You know, I remember what my mother used to tell me...

Her: (slams door on the way out)

All Obama All The Time

I. A Swing and A Miss

The speech:

• First of all, they overdid it with the flags.
• Second of all, goodbye Democratic nomination.
• Third of all, hello President McCain.

II. When They Passed Out Ears He Thought They Said Beers So He Asked For Two Big Ones

From our department of The Better To Hear You With:

Family resemblance much?

III. Yes We Can Has

LOLbama !

It's All Lips And A-holes

I'm off to Nashville for the rest of the week. I'll be too busy to blog, to read blogs or to jump on the next juicy development in Hillary's climb to the top. Don't let anything good happen while I'm gone but if it does, email me right away. I have a Blackberry and I'm not afraid to use it.

(Post title taken from a conversation I had the last time I was in Nashville. A helpful person advised me to eat at a local Mom and Pop type place instead of at the fast food burger chain, because "its all lips and A-holes in the meat over there." That's the kind of counseling that you don't forget.)

One more before I go:

And this is good old Washington

Home of the ass and the clod

Where the Obama  talks only to Kennedy   

And Hill's got her pants in a wad 

No Chitchat Between Clinton and Obama at President's Speech

"Clinton, clad in scarlet, crossed the aisle between their seats on the House floor. Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, the Democratic icon who had endorsed Obama earlier in the day over Clinton, reached out his hand when she came close. She took it; they shook. Meanwhile, Obama, dressed in a dark suit, had turned away."

(Has anyone seen Uncle Arthur around here lately? Because I'm feeling like I'm in an episode of Bewitched and someone has cast a spell on me to write bad poem puns whenever I read a Hillary headline.I can't stop myself. Also, it would be a mercy if my source material was not quite so obscure.  "Color me peach and black" - is no one here a Prince fan? Or a student of Mayberriana? I'm going to start adding footnotes to explain myself. Maybe a week in the trenches will beat this kind of stuff out of me)

 

I Dreamed I Saw Ole Bill Last Night

In  my head, I believe that unions have done more harm than good. In my heart, I am union till the death. You should know that I come from a father who was UMWA and mother  who was ILGWU.  With apologies to the spirit of Joe Hill, whom I do admire deeply.

Kennedy Chooses Obama, Spurning Pleas By Clintons
.
I dreamed I saw Ole Bill last night,
Get down on bended knee
And beg the crown to Camelot
From Teddy Kennedy.
From Teddy Kennedy.
.
"The Party Bosses killed you Bill,
They shut you up" says me.
"Takes more than Ted to shut up me"
It's about my legacy.
It's about my legacy."
.
In Carolina, Bill," says I,
They told you tick a lock ,
"Ted K is mad. He wants to take you
Driving on a dock.
Driving on a dock."
.And standing there as big as life
And smiling though puffed eyes,
Says Bill "I'm here because I'm very good
At telling harmful lies.
At telling harmful lies."
.From Jacksonville to Miami,
In every speech for Hill,
Where cameras roll for cable news,
It's there you find Ole Bill,
It's there you find Ole Bill
.I dreamed I saw Ole Bill last night,
Alive as you and me.
Says I "But Bill, you've been cut dead
By Teddy Kennedy.
By Teddy Kennedy."


( Joe-Hill.mp3 )

A Poemumentary

Uncle Bill Uncle Bill
What did you do today?
I went to church but took a nap
when it was time to pray.

Uncle Bill Uncle Bill
Shake yourself awake!
I'm really not too interested
How long's this gonna take?

Uncle Bill, Uncle Bill
You went to sleep again
I'm not asleep. My eyes just closed 
for only 5 or 10.

Uncle Bill Uncle Bill
You look asleep to me.
Well ,what the heck
Aunt Hil won't know -unless its on TV.

What's up with Uncle Bill? Is this the same person described in the New Yorker profile as playing cards all night and keeping sleepy journalists up with his endless stories? Does his recent behavior - this and the purple fits of recent weeks - strike you in any way at all as behavior befitting a former U.S. president, even if its an impeached one?

This video is getting big play on a lot of blogs today, but the most amusing comment by far can be found at Ace of Spades:

Was I sleeping?  Well, that depends on what the meaning of "zzzzzzz" is.

I Knew Something Was Up As Soon As I Saw Her Making A Big Show With That Ring

DIANE VON FURSTENBURG HEARTS HILLARY

Click here for close-up of HRC's ring. Bonus feature: Grandma's giant cheek "freckle". Apparently, Joan Rivers has yet to contribute otherwise we'd be hearing about the Joan Rivers Absolutely Magic Face Treatment Wand to remove age spots, also sold on QVC.

(FYI -  Suzette hearts junky rings from QVC.)

Are You There, God? It's Me, Hillary.

When I was a child, I had a little record player. It was really just a turntable in a suitcase with one dial and a squawky little speaker, but I loved it and played my records on it for years.The day came that I turned the dial to "ON" and the turn table didn't start spinning around. Sometimes, I could get it going by pushing the turntable around and around while clicking the dial at the same time but the time came that nothing would move it except prayer.

I knelt by the side of the bed, anguished entreaties pouring forth, making bargains and offering up sacrifices and making deals with God. Sometimes I would get to the point of tears. I would promise anything if only I could have what I wanted - another chance to hear the music again. Most of the time it didn't work, but sometimes it did and then I would have to make good by lighting candles, withholding a bitter verbal shot at my sister or whatever it was that I promised. I suspect that Hillary Clinton made a similar deal with the Lord this week.

"Dear God, Please, please, please let me back in the game. I'll do anything to be back on top again. Anything! I'll even wear a jacket WITH PUFFED SLEEVES."

She just lost the women's vote with that one. Am I right, ladies? I think it's been abundantly demonstrated that the fashion industry is influenced by the leading ladies of politics and if puffed sleeves make a comeback because of this, we're all headed for Canada.  Is there anyone out there who is not chilled by that prospect? We've been there and we're not going back.

Alternate theories about Hillary's wardrobe:

• Tried ironing her own shirt and scorched it
• Displaying solidarity with domestic worker sector by wearing ensemble made of stained floor rags
• Vows to dress in colors of novitiate nun as penance for her big fresh mouth.
• Courting Black Eyed Peas Fans voter base, but misinterpreted meaning of "lovely lady lumps"
• Still beating the Woman's Vote drum by selecting Mother/Daughter outfits for her and C.C., reverse bizzaro-style.
• She's working her way through the jacket color spectrum, starting with black in Iowa and culminating in Eva Peron white when she accepts the party nomination at the Democratic National Convention, followed immediately by brazen display of pillbox hats.

I Pulled Out My "Madame President" Suit And Put On My Hollywood Makeup For This?

Hurry February

I find January quite depressing. All the possibilities stretched out before me - it's too much of a burden and it makes me feel like I can't possibly make the best use of it all so why try? 2007 was a bad year. I haven't ever said that before - that I was especially glad to see a time in my life behind me, but wow. Just ... wow.

And now all this Iowa caucus stuff. The downers insist on saying that HRC might be taken out. Please don't let it happen! Every day brings a new reason to love her.  Zigzagging on the tarmac! Dodging snipers! Keeping company with baggy-pants funnyman Sinbad! Please don't let her light fade - we haven't even had time to analyze the messages she sends out via her hair dos.

photo from Princess Sparkle Pony's Photo Blog

Full disclosure: I have a photo of myself that looks just like the centerpiece of that poster. All big smiles and confident demeanor to draw attention away from the killer black roots. I feel you, Hilly. My sister!  (Note to self: Start wearing flag pin on lapel. Also, buy something with lapels.)

Anyhoo, my horoscope says 2008 is an "8" year for me in which I am ruled by Saturn. Power and accomplishment!  The stars advise me to  take action, plan ahead, seize opportunities. I just don't have the heart for taking action but I can certainly proclaim that HRC is my proxy. There will be seizures aplenty if she hangs in long enough to become her party candidate for president. In fact, Sami is having a seizure about it right now.

For myself, I'm going to take action against that irksome extra "r" in February. The revolution starts tomorrow.

I Sincerely Hope This Isn't True

If you believe the mainstream media, it's the end of the Clinton era. Say it isn't so! Between HRC's mess of a campaign team, missteps in the Obama attack strategy and Ole Bill's bizarre performances to promote (suspicious!) Hillary, it all points to the a rapid waning of HRC's star. Boy, I hope not - Obama's suits are not nearly as fascinating as Hillary's ensembles, and he seems to have the same hairdo all the time. Where is the fun in that? Although he does seem to have grown a few more teeth recently, so maybe he does have some potential for ongoing scrutiny.

Now look at the photo that Drudge has up this morning. This can't be right, can it? I confess that one of the pleasures of a HRC presidency would be watching her face deteriorate (unless her yet-to-be-revealed healthcare plan involves unlimited cosmetic surgery for all), but this has to be photoshopped, don't you think? Her 88 year old mother looks better than that.

Last week, the Rodham-Clinton ladies came together in Iowa to stir the primary cauldron. Considering the multiple cosmetic procedures done to make Chelsea presentable, Hillary's own facelift and Mama's little nip and tuck (to say nothing of the wiglet), we're looking at easily $150 K on stage there. This is how she should sell herself: The Cosmetic Surgery Candidate. That would get the women's vote hand's down and also the Hollywood has-been endorsement. Wait a minute ...

Love the Scavullo-like portrait lighting there. That's the technique Joan Rivers uses for her QVC appearances, and I've seen Judge Judy go for the same method to enhance her appearance. Oh, Hillary - so much to look at, so much to observe - please don't go away! Bless the Des Moines Register's endorsement yesterday. That should keep her around a while longer, even though the Register hasn't backed a winner since 1980.

By the way, the Des Moines Register building is aging very gracefully. It's in the heart of downtown- a Des Moines tall building. That's what they call it, a "tall building" - they know better than to say skyscraper -and has a lovely swooping canopy that wraps around the corners. Its got a very 30's vibe to it and is quite lovely.

    This is what I've been saying every time I travel there - Des Moines is cool.

Note: I would love to hear the details of the Clinton Healthcare Plan, but I suppose its going to remain vague and  unspecific, just like the last time she got her mitts on it, until the whole thing was thrown at us like a stinkbomb.

Hillary: The Bag

Rumors continue to swirl about Hillary's sexual preferences. The latest and most specific involves her closest aide and "body person", Huma Abedin. This story is a few weeks old and frankly, it didn't interest me at all because its the same tired speculation about old Hill being a devout and practicing bi-sexual, because there could be only one reason women would spend a lot of time together, right?  But once again, the male dominated Hillary-watchers have failed to determine the true goings on inside the Hillary campaign. And it's so obvious!

Unbeknownst to my reading public, I have been scouring the media outlets, syndicate photographs and video clips of Hillary's appearances to see when and where she carries a handbag. Handbags, you know, are  a particular area of interest for me and I think that close observation can help to identify a theme to the type of bag she prefers or a pattern to where she uses them, and then we will be able to draw some evidence-based conclusions about who she really is. Consider it to be a counterpart to psychological clues imparted by body language - accessory language! Think what we could deduce from her choice of a banana bag over a clutch, and Heaven help us if she ever turns up with a sling.

But it was not to be. My search for a Hillary Handbag sighting was fruitless. And then this week, the mystery was ended. Both of the issues were at at once cleared up and you were there to witness to it. Observe:

Did you see it or were you too busy writing your own jokes about American flags throwing themselves to the ground in HRC's presence?  Watch again as Huma herself enters the frame from the left carrying the mother of all handbags, the Marc Jacobs STAM bag. Work that satchel, honey. And she is too - you can judge the heft of it by how she's got enough stuff in there for herself and Hillary with room to spare for one or two small dogs, a SATCOM radio and the nuclear launch codes. See how her left arm is all but immobilized because of the steady bicep flexing necessary to keep that thing up? And see how she overcompensates for a shifted center of gravity by leaning  to the right side? I estimate that bag to clock in at about 14 to 16 pounds, which might not sound like much until you have to cart it around in the crook of your elbow for more than 15 minutes. Hillary's stuff is definitely in there.

No wonder she's always by Hillary's side. It's not a love connection at all - she's the pocketbook holder. The male pundits didn't figure that out because they do not have necessary heightened level of handbag awareness. If they did, the sex scandal rumors would never have bubbled up to the surface in the first place. If HRC becomes the Democratic nominee and then wins the presidential election, it's Huma that will be toting around the nuclear football. She's already got that chain thing ready to attach the bag to herself and has demonstrated that she can be cool and collected during an unexpected event - she never compromises her bag-holding posture or drops that left forearm to put the bag at risk of slipping away.

Now you know.

Hillary Watch

Big but unsurprising news news this week about HRC putting the squeeze on GQ and withholding access to BJ Clinton unless an unflattering article about infighting among her campaign team gets squashed. Well, who needed a magazine article to know that there's infighting?  Just look at the evidence:

The Hillary we got then:

The Hillary we get now:

The top photo was from only a few weeks ago when we were treated to Happy "Pleased Ta Meetcha"   Hillary. The package was bright plumage, oversized bead and earring sets and not just boob crack, but a peep at the actual boob itself. The lower picture is from last night's debate where we see that the image now is Battle Weary "I Need Some Healthcare Myself" Hillary. See how she's gesturing for just a leetle pep pill? Just this one time?

Obviously, the  the Chunky Jewelery vote has already been secured and the target is now the Monet and Trifari crowd. Either that or there's a huge battle taking place between her stylists. Yes, they agree on the hip-covering jackets and the plain black pants, but what is going on in the upper sector? An unflattering color, dull jewelry so small as to be almost invisible, tweeeed fabric that blends into the background and Heaven help us, but is that a mullet?

It's a sad thing - here I had my hopes up for a brilliant political season filled with girly flair. I hope last evening was an isolated incident and that we will soon see the flinging off of the camisole insert and the return of those alluring baubles and bangles.

Chelsea Clinton Does Not Speak

The NYT did their best to profile C.C. without an actual interview or comments on the record from those who know her. And only one reference to her looks, a quick  "jokes about her looks" before launching  a pick list of somewhat contradictory factoids that has something for everyone ...

her role on her parents' campaign trail is to clap and beam
her fundraising efforts produced $20 million

her lifelong role is model daughter
she has a permanent place on the NY party circuit

she has a publicist
her publicist's job is to keep publicity away

... and so on. After all the details of her hard working nature, her career moves, her concern about 9/11 (!)  and speculation about her own political ambition, we are informed that she is a is "a Christmas-cookie-baking, churchgoing Methodist" and might possibly be waiting to turn her "cuddly and affectionate relationship" into a White House wedding.

Two noteworthy statements shine the light on the family dynamic:  "Those familiar with the Clintons envision her as a strategic resource "and the remarkable "Ms. Clinton was present when her father and his advisers debated how to acknowledge his affair with Ms. Lewinsky to the nation".

And then, this wonderful sentence:   "Most of the women her age wore bright gowns and bare skin, but Ms. Clinton wore a dark pantsuit, her hair smoothed and fastened into a strawberry-blond sheet."  In one masterful stoke, we are delivered the image of the serious C.C. as a mini-HRC.

How does one fasten hair into a sheet?

... And Hillary Was There, Too.

It was a tough day in the dentist's chair but in the end, I came away with a newly restored tooth. The man is an artist. The part I like the best is when he asks me to bite-bite-bite and he leans in and cocks his head to the side to listen. Then he takes to the tools again for a miniscule adjustment and then we do the bite-bite-bite/listen thing again. I topped off the day with a little shopping and a little dinner out.

Imagine how thrilled I was to pull into the Sunny Palace on Rt 18 and see a Chinatown bus in the parking lot. Truth be told, I kind of miss dodging the old beasts ever since I stopped my commute on the turnpikes. So I was happy to see it and even happier to see that it was true to type with its mysterious black-out windows and its missing chunk gone from the wheel cover.

The lot was packed and I was circling round and round the lot, considering the handicapped spaces when I noticed three policemen staring at me. Couldn't figure out why  - they take their handicapped spaces seriously in East Brunswick, I guess. When we went inside, the tables were all empty but the host asked us to wait for 10 minutes. Then we saw the sign hanging on the fish tank: ASIAN AMERICANS & PACIFIC ISLANDERS FOR HILLARY.

I turned around, and there she was not 4 feet away:

She walked past and spent only 5 to 7 minutes speaking before she left the building. The crowd in the banquet room was impeccably dressed, teenage girls were flitting about carrying violins and other stringed instruments, many young people were left standing there holding the bouquets they came in with. Other observations:

• she's quite short and not at all fat-bottomed.
• her hair was perfect.
• her face lift seems to be holding up quite well.
• she was manipulatively dressed in a red top with a mandarin collar.
• the people in her entourage, with the exception of one man, was average age 25.
• there were no discernible odors about her.
• she has excellent posture and a confident stride.
• her feet are enormous.
• the applause was restrained.

Then it was all over with and the Chinatown bus pulled away.

(This is not the first time I've been within the magnetic pull  of a real live Democratic candidate. I also clasped the hand of Edmund Muskie on Public Square in Wilkes Barre PA. And JFK's motorcade drove past me when he was campaigning for president. All I remember is that I was on my bike at the end of the street and  a bunch of people [like, the whole town] lined up along the roadside and some black Cadillac convertibles drove past, which was excitement enough let alone who was in them. I'm like a groupie already.)