Boss of Sandwiches

If I were in charge of diner sandwiches, this is how I would construct a Ruben:

• I would cut the corned beef into 1" x 1/4" pieces and mix it with the sauerkraut in a proportion of 3/5 corned beef to 2/5 sauerkraut. 
• then I would make sure that the swiss cheese was the same volume as the meat/kraut mixture
• gawd, I love a bullet point, don't you?
• the rest of the sangwich, I would leave alone. No recommended changes for the rye toast or the thousand island dressing

The above information is instructional in nature. Take it or leave it, as you like. I'm only saying what I would do if I was the boss of sandwiches. The following information is a warning of a dire nature.

The American sandwich culture is under attack. No, not attack - it's more subversive that that. You sheep! You unaware fools! Do you not see that your open-armed embrace of paninis is killing off the free pickle and cole slaw that everyone has come to expect as their due when ordering a sandwich?

Go ahead - google up some images of paninis. What do you see on the plates there? Carrot sticks, black olives, arugula. And you'd be lucky to get that. Oh, sure, if you look hard enough, you might come across a few panini makers with the decency to include that occasional pickle but I assure you that they are a dying breed.

You might think that I'm being overly cautious about calling that blue thing a thing instead of what might turn out to be a napkin, but you are reading the words of someone who once bit into a sugar-covered plastic bell from a wedding cake. Ever since then, I don't take anything for granted.

It's in your hands now, readers. Order your paninis - I can't shovel against the eroding tide. Go ahead but at least ask for a free pickle and cole slaw even if you don't eat it so you don't ruin it for the rest of us.

Comments

[Lulu]

I must admit I'd never thought of this. My pet sandwich peeve is the growing thickness of the bread. Some slices are darned near an inch thick. X 2 that is a bad ratio to the filling.

[dogette]

I, too, have bitten into things on plates that were of a purely decorative nature yet fooled me into thinking it was edible. Once I chipped a tooth on an in-flight piece of "bread," too, and yet somehow I didn't think to sue the shit out of the airline. This was back in the days when people got hurt and just said, "Ow" and went about their business.

I confess I don't eat the pickle and usually I don't eat the slaw either. I don't like slaw that's all mayonnaised all to hell. Now you know. Now the world knows. What a load off.

[The Proprietor]

Ditto on the slaw. If I wanted a cup of watery mayo I'd drink one. The only slaw I can stomach is Central Pennsy "German" cole slaw.

Not sure why, but some of what they sell at the farmers markets around Harrisburg is quite good.

Likewise, when is the last time you got a crisp pickle with your sandwich? No crunch, no want for lunch.

[JAMES]

EAT MORE CUPCAKES,YOU'LL FEEL BETTER!