Cripes, Suzette!

Me Too

Have I ever told you how much I love The Huffington Post?

It's like The Real Housewives of the Media over there. You know it's trashy and non-representative of the greater population, but you just can't help watching it to squeal over how divorced from reality they are and their lack of self-awareness about how they come off to the rest of the country. The Real Housewives franchise, same as HuffPo, makes you feel good about yourself because hey, you might be a dope but at least you're not as dopey as those characters.

Ya gotta love this:

Whoa! Wait a minute - is that what the healthcare act is going to do for us? Give us everything that medical science has to offer? I did not know that. This is a game-changer. Money is no object - let's try it all, wot the hell. Ok then - I'm in.

And while we're at it, I'd like to have the same real estate holdings that Ted Kennedy had in his last year, as well as his fleet of vehicles, his reserved parking spots and his power to die of something other than liver disease. Throw in the knighthood, too.

Living In A World Without Ted Kennedy

A few follow-up thoughts:

I was just joking when I said that World Famous Fashion Icon and Busy Mom™ Michelle Obama was going to wear her pope dress to the funeral, but son of a gun if she didn't do just that. It's actually a blouse and skirt. You can see that she's wearing a different skirt than she wore at the pope meeting - probably didn't have enough room in the steamer trunks then for her bustle. So glad she got a chance to wear it yesterday.

She likes to wear a big bow on her chest. Observe:

(image of the Bo Bow courtesy of The Proprietor)

Now can I just ask what is up with Hillary's hairdo? I know it was raining but we've seen countless pictures of her in all types of weather conditions over the years and she never looked like this. This is the same flat, non-styled thing she had going on when she snapped at that African student last month. Did somebody cut the hairdresser out of the State Department budget? I'm looking at you, Barry. I know you two have had your differences in the past but that was low.

Also, who among us does not love to watch MO bang her head on the airplane door over and over again?

link via Jana

She fell asleep during Ted's funeral service but I can't find any video of that yet. Check out this photo - no little eye.

  

Her little eye appears when she's tired, and although she looks generally ragged, both eyes are the same size. She banged that coconut pretty hard so I'm thinking concussion. That would account for her droopiness. It will be interesting to watch Mo's visibility over the next few days. Let's see if they keep her under wraps during her recovery. 

Dear Michelle,

Even though the media keeps calling you "young", you're not exactly a spring chicken. You're what - 45 now? Unless you're planning on living past 110, that puts you on the downhill side. Here's a tip - if Barry comes a-knockin' on your bedroom door DON'T LET HIM IN. I think you've heard enough about what happens to the olds when they need medical treatment. I tried to tell Ted Kennedy the same thing but he didn't listen and you know how that turned out.

Fondly, Suzette

Huffington Post Writes Ted Kennedy's Epitaph

link

Bury Me Deep, Bury Me Wide

Ted Kennedy gets buried today. Not the off-the-shelf casket for our Teddy - not that he could fit in one anyway. A custom-ordered, designed-to-fit model has been standing at the ready ever since Ted ran out of treatment options to buy for his inoperable- yet operated on - brain tumor.

(coffin image courtesy of The Proprietor)

Kennedy's longtime friend and fuck buddy, Chris Dodd , wondered aloud of good old Ted was alone in there. He reminisced about the good old days when they shared waitresses out in the open and expressed admiration for Ted's ability to carry on even when sealed up for eternity.

Following a funeral mass at Our Lady of Perpetual Payola, Kennedy will be transported to Washington to be buried in the sacred ground of Arlington National Cemetary, over the objections of the ground itself. The dirt is of the opinion that the feculence that is the rotting corpse of the filthy and despicable  Kennedy is even dirtier than the dirt and would only lower the standard and reputation of the muck and mire.

The family has requested no bouquets but if you insist, please use the long-time family florist who understands the Kennedys and knows what they like.

How To Dress For Ted Kennedy's Funeral

World Famous Fashion Icon and Busy Mom™ Michelle Obama has interrupted her vacation among the elites to travel to Boston for Ted Kennedy's funeral service. Short of cash after buying fried seafood and short of time after bicycling in the dune grass, the clever fashion-forward first lady, unafraid to re-wear her designer threads,  shook out her pope dress, strapped up her boobs with her trademark chest belt and jammed on her size 14 kitten heels to make the trip over to Boston to attend Ted Kennedy's funeral service.

World Famous Fashion Icon and Busy Mom™ Michelle Obama was not the only first lady in attendance. Hillary Clinton (First Lady of Arkansas 1979-1992 AND  First Lady of America 1992-2001) also made the trip. She delivered a heartfelt message she had been composing for Senator Kennedy since January 27, 2008.

Ex-wife Joan "The Dish" Kennedy wore a trout pout and the cumulative lifetime burden of ever being married to Ted Kennedy.

The only Kennedy even more of a pig than Ted, Ethel "The Uterus" Kennedy, has hardly been been in camera frame at all. Nobody loves a good-old fashioned Catholic ritual more than our little Ethie. Ethel wore a conservative suit and accessorized with a whackjob offspring better known for reckless driving and consorting with South American dictators.

UPDATED: Ethel, you big old freckle - we luvs ya. I must say, Ethie, you have managed to maintain a tradional and classic wardrobe right up into your 81st year. Lost your hairbrush, though - didn't you?

Death Taps Ted Kennedy

Death visits Senator Kennedy

(image courtesy of The Proprietor)

Despite the finest medical treatment and surgical intervention that money could buy, Ted Kennedy finally died. Long after being diagnosed with terminal cancer, out of the public eye for months, hanging by a thread but still able to write self-serving letters to popes and governors, he was called to the Lord on August 27, 2009. Immediately thereafter,  the Lord said "Sorry, wrong number" and handed the phone over to Satan, who already had the roaster fired up.

After a gluttonous and immoral lifetime marked by dishonesty, drunken debauchery, overindulgence  and criminal behavior, the well-known poster boy for killing both the unborn and the submerged found himself at the end of life's dock. Nothing if not tenacious, he clung to a life prolonged by all that modern medicine had to offer until Barack Obama was called in to say the special aloha he created for seniors who should not be seeking life-saving treatments because they are going to die anyway.

He is survived by his wife Altovise, his ex-wife Joan, three children, two step-children that noboy ever heard of until Altovise wrote the obiturary, and his beloved Portuguese waterdogs Sunny, Splash and GlubGlubGlub.

Whack-A-Bo

Where is my big mallet when I really need it? Anybody got quarters?

Barack Obama looks for his ball in the woods today at the Farm Neck Golf Club in Oak Bluffs on Martha's Vineyard.

Obama's Vacation Reading List:

1. The Constitution by America

2. His Own Healthcare Bill by Barry Sotero

3.How To Win Friends and Influence People by Leon Panetta

4. Save Yourself by Ted Kennedy

5. How To Serve Man by unknown

Did I Not Already Ask This Question?

Is it possible that the First Lady actually has six toes?

Why, I believe that I did ask it not that long ago.

From the archives - June 6, 2009: asked and answered

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"Some fashionistas have mistakenly attributed this highly desirable "Squeeze-Me Michelle" look in footwear to the fact that these shoes are manufactured only as big as size 12 and cannot accommodate Michelle's gigantic feet, but that is not true. This trend is all the rage in Chicago as it emulates the mysterious and alluring "6th toe" look first made popular by Oprah Winfrey."

Because The Last Sick Old Person He Visited Said Aloha Right Afterwards

Chance of Obama Visit Highlights Bond With Kennedy

"With Kennedy now at his vacation home in Hyannis Port on Cape Cod and Obama setting off on his weeklong stay on nearby Martha's Vineyard, there's speculation the president may come see the ailing senator." AP

Dear Ted,

Charge  up  your motorized wheelchair make tracks for Route 6 pronto. Barry's coming and YOU KNOW what his plans are for sick old people. He's looking for personal examples about the folly of performing medical procedures on people who are going to die anyway.

First he pounded everybody over the head with that story of his grandmother's broken hip but we've all heard that one by now. He needs a new story "even a man of power and influence ... all his wealth couldn't save him ...  experimental treatment after a terminal diagnosis ..."  Yada yada. It'll play in the heartland.

You're in for it, Ted, unless you skedaddle out of town before he gets there. Ah well, might be no use anyway. He's like a one-an death panel with his own air plane. Be sure to say hello to Madelyn for us. And that other girl - what was her name?

                                                                               Best regards, Suzette

UPDATE:

A Love Poem to California In Open Verse

Oh, fiery hot companion of my California dreaming

I long for your roasted pepitas and avocado.

But darling you disappointed me.

Thank the heavens and stars above that Carls Jr

Still has chili cheese fries.

You know you travel to southern California too often if your whole trip is thrown off by a change in the salad menu where you customarily eat on the first night in town.

Asshole Democrats

Except for Mad Men, I don't even watch TV anymore. I don't need to because the news is so highly entertaining to me. Even thought the MSM is still doing it's best to make us believe what they write instead of what our brains and common sense tell us is true, there are some genuine nuggets that show up every day. So many in fact that it's hard to choose what to showcase here. I had to set aside Shelia Jackson Lee yakking it up on her cellphone while a cancer survivor was speaking to her at a Town Hall, the combative Barney Frank insulting his own constituents, and even the committed Christian president himself pulling out all the biblical references he had written down in the back of Rules for Radicals during a healthcare pitch with religious leaders.

We might have to revisit this category often because IT'S A GOLDMINE.

1. Kennedy

"Senator Edward M. Kennedy, in a poignant acknowledgment of his mortality at a critical time in the national health care debate, has privately asked the governor and legislative leaders to change the succession law to guarantee that Massachusetts will not lack a Senate vote when his seat becomes vacant." Boston Globe

I have a feeling that we're not hearing the whole story here. I would like the MSM to investigate if the envelope the letter was delivered in also held the keys to his sailboat and a receipt for a Portuguese Water Dog, delivery pending.

2. Panetta

"Spy Agency Fiasco  - an inexperienced CIA director, unfamiliar with how his vast, complicated agency works, unable to trust senior officials within his own agency, and desperate to keep his hands clean, screwed up.CIA Director Leon Panetta’s emergency testimony to Congress about an illegal assassination program has set off a crisis at the spy agency... Panetta has frantically tried to rectify his gaffe, but now faces increased Congressional oversight."  Daily Beast

Yeah, not so much an asshole as a schlemieil.  It's like having to put your wife's Uncle Leon in the a high-level managementspot just to shut her up, knowing full well he wasn't up to it and it's only a matter of time until he screws up. And by the way, that "increased Congressional oversight" is Nanny Pee up his butt forever.

3. Robinson.

"The Obama White House is abuzz with talk of witchcraft by first grandmother, 72-year-old Marian Robinson, who lives in the White House residence. A close friend of Michelle Obama says the president is furious at his mother-in-law after learning that she was practicing Santeria, an African spirit cult, in the White House." Wonkette

"Medical science cannot seem to stop the progression of multiple sclerosis, so I would not blame her if she did take up Santeria or any other kind of hocus-pocus." Foolocracy

Maybe this is why Barry doesn't need to go to church - he's got religion right there at home. I love this one for two reasons. First, because the defense of Mrs. Robinson perfectly captures the excuse-making for all things Obama, no matter what the story of the moment happens to be. Second, because the story itself is so totally believable. If you are thinking that it's just too far-fetched, how else can you explain Hillary's hairdo when she snapped that poor African student's head off?

Hello 1999 - I'm So Glad To See You Again

I just bought a two-line phone online for my home office. It was a project, let me tell you. It was complicated by the fact that I didn't want all the bells and whistles - I just wanted a corded phone with two lines and a speaker.

That's right - it was complicated by my quest for simplicity.

The two-line phone that I about about 2 years ago always gave me problems when I tried to use the speaker function., I could hear them just fine but they could never hear me unless I picked up the handset - a real problem if you live and die by conference call. Lately, it's begun disconnecting itself mid-call. So I started shopping and reading user reviews.

Here's the thing - in all price ranges, telephones get mediocre reviews.I think it's because the people who take the time to write extensive electronic reviews that nitpick over the smallest details are freaks. They don't give a 5-star to anything and are just as likely to two-star for big buttons as for poor sound quality. So I continued to research and go strictly by my minimum requirements. Thispart was really hard - it was like trying to find a car without power options for windows, mirrors and brakes. It can be done but it takes true grit to keep plodding along past the fancy extras and the shiny finishes and stick to what you really want.

And I found it  - guess how much I paid for it? $22.99 - brand new! This one also has a 2-to-3 star rating range but for 23 bucks, what the heck. It couldn't be worse than the pricier disappointment it  was replacing.

It sounds great. And it does have conferencing ability and an option to stick a head set straight into the  jack, without messing around with an extra amplifier, so I guess it's a little bit fancy. But here's the best thing about it - it's old. New as in never used, but old as in technology of the past. The  color is the first tip-off - they call it white but it's really an oyster tone.

Inside the box, the phone was sealed in some kind of shiny astronaut wrapper and right next to a  bar code sticker, it was stamped Dec '99. Oh yeah. We were thrilled to see that - no muss no fuss not many parts to go wrong and built to function longer than 6 months. Sami's a big fan of older electronics. His favorite phone in the house is a cordless relic of the late 80s that has a shiny metal telescoping antenna similar to the kind Don Adams has on his Get Smart shoe phone.

We were so happy, especially when we opened it and that new plastic smell wafted out, straight from the last decade. We knew it was toxic gasses from decomposing plastic, but hey - that's the smell of our childhood. We breathed deeply and passed it back and forth to take turns sniffing it.

So now it's installed and the fancy non-performer is in the wastebasket.I tried it out with a few phone calls and the sound quality is excellent, both on handset and speaker. Tomorrow I have five conference calls lined up and I can hardly wait.

I just hope it doesn't burst into flames during the night.

Reader Poll

There's no about it that World Famous Fashion Icon and Busy Mom™ Michelle Obama is the most, but the question is the most what?

Vacation-takin' Michelle and her floppy inner thighs

descend the steps of Air Force One.

photo courtesy of  Citizens Concerned for America's Eyeballs

Visualize This

When they find my body, it will be slumped down over this keyboard and clad in an old nightgown with a broken strap that has been temporarily reattached using  a paperclip.

It's The Ordinary That Makes It Special

Nothing much. Just Sunday morning the on deck with a cup of coffee and a smelly dog. In fact, he's so smelly that I keep making him pose at the edge of the steps just to get him away from me.

It's a sign of the kind of summer we've had here that the flag hanging on the shed is the same one I put there in April. Usually, they get sun-bleached by the end of June and I have to put up a new one. This one still has strong colors.

Nature alert: there are disgusting green caterpillars in the flower heads of the geraniums. They eat the hearts of the new buds.  One word: pesticide. I'm just not that into butterflies.

Shout out to my special garden bud in Florida: I am thrilled with the organic fertilizer that you recommended for my flower beds and roses. In fact, where before there was only grey dust in the fence beds, now there are worms, just like the fertilizer bag said there would be. I'm all for nature, just not next to my coffee cup on the deck.

We’re Not Unreasonable. I Mean, No One’s Gonna Eat Your Eyes

Only today did I realize how perfectly the Jonathan Coulton song re: Your Brains illustrates the argument against Obamacare. It's because (#1) they're telling you how bad it's going to be if you go along with their plan and it is not to your overall benefit and (#2) there's no way that it won't get even worse if you open the door for them and let them take over.

So many words have been written about why the Un-American Nazi mobs are opposed to the government takeover of the medical system.  If a picture is worth a thousand words, how many words is this YouTube video worth? I like this version because the creator even cast Rahm Emanuel as the lead persuader.

"I really wish you’d let us in. I think I speak for all of us when I say
I understand why you folks might hesitate to submit to our demand.
But here’s an FYI: you’re all gonna die screaming."

All we want to do is eat your brains

We're not unreasonable, I mean, no one's gonna eat your eyes

All we want to do is eat your brains

We're at an impasse here, maybe we should compromise:

If you open up the doors

We'll all come inside and eat your brains

[email protected]

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[email protected]

A reader submission. Warning: might be upsetting if you're sick, old, or unborn.
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Interlude

They say you get the dog that's meant for you. This one is stubborn and has a bad bald nose, but he's great at the cocktail hour thing, so I guess it's true.

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The counter guy at Wine Tree Nation told me that this $10 white is the house wine at the fancy-schmancy Borgata. Who knows if that's really true but it is a pretty nice $10 white. Jeanne Marie Chardonnay.

[email protected]

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[email protected]

click to enlarge:

[email protected]

A reader submission, well worth the click to enlarge:

[email protected]

click to enlarge:

[email protected]

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[email protected]

click to enlarge:

[email protected]

From the official White House blog:

"There is a lot of disinformation about health insurance reform out there, spanning from control of personal finances to end of life care.  These rumors often travel just below the surface via chain emails or through casual conversation.  Since we can’t keep track of all of them here at the White House, we’re asking for your help. If you get an email or see something on the web about health insurance reform that seems fishy, send it to [email protected]."

click to enlarge:

Who We Are: Big Loser Edition

There's a white-tablecloth restaurant that we like to go every now and then. Depending on what you order, you can run up quite a bill but they also run daily specials. Sami and I usually go on Mondays because that is $10.00 steak night. For ten bucks, you get a choice of skirt steak, filet mignon, rib eye or shell steak and two sides. And it's good. Throw in a pitcher of red, white or blue sangria and that's all you need. I can also recommend the 8.95 tavern burger (a 10 oz.  Grilled Fresh Ground Beef on an English Muffin Accompanied with Homemade Tavern Fries and a choice of toppings). That's a big burger.

So there we were earlier this week and the place was doing a great business. It didn't really hit me until I was on the way out to the parking lot,  hobbling down the entry steps behind an old geezer that was also limping away and calling to his grey-haired wife to bring the car closer: every one in there was just like us - taking their shot at having something nice for the least amount of money. And when I thought about it, sure enough every table held a middle-aged-plus couple, clean and neat but certainly not fancy or prosperous. The place is near a commuter bus stop so previous to this laiht bulb going on, I had assumed that professional couples meet there after a day in the city, but that is not the case.

So okay. I acknowledged that and accepted that I am part of this sad crowd of economic victims. And then I repressed it.

Until yesterday.

One of our other long-standing habits is to go sit on the beach after work. The beautiful  Seven Presidents is only about 4 miles from where I work, so we sometimes meet there to share a sub sandwich for supper. When we're feeling flush, we go to the Windmill for hot dogs, but mostly, it's sandwiches on the beach. Incidentally, "after work" means you don't have to pay for parking or a day pass for the beach.

Sami and our daughter were going to go a bit early so they could get in some swim time and I was going to meet them about 6:30 or so. I got there at 6:15 and as I was pulling the sand chairs out of the back of my car, I saw the legs and feet of another couple, carrying plastic bags full of food and schlepping a cooler for drinks. 

And then I remembered the restaurant crowd. Here we were again trying to have a nice experience that most people pay for, only doing it half-assed, within the limits of time and money. Then I shut the car door and got a look at the faces of those two sad sacks - it was Sami and my daughter.

Which was even more depressing.

The bitter realization that I am part of a low-rent subculture of used-to-bes (or maybe I am the ENTIRE subculture) was made tolerable by the good folks at Gallo Family Vineyards. Two words: picnic wine. Or maybe the the keyword is just wine. Whatevs!  Maybe I'm not vacationing at the most chic resort but hey - I'm watching the sunset while sitting on the beach drinking wine. And I guess I have to say that I'm pretty pleased about it, if truth be told. What a loser.

POSTERISM

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1. Actual poster

2. Not an actual poster.

3. Actual poster.

4. World Famous Fashion Icon and Busy Mom™ Michelle Obama

5. Obama White House Click n' Snitch program

When The Phone Rings at 3 am

This is what happened last night:

I just couldn't stay asleep. I got up around 3 am and moseyed over to the computer to see what was what. At 3:10, the phone rang and I snatched it right up. A young girl was laughing and breathlessly yakking away a mile a minute, saying she was about to come on over. No way could I have ever gotten a word in edgewise, such was the speed of her chatter and the frequent punctuation of shrieking giggles made it all the more impossible. So I sat and listened and finally she had to pause. Then the line went quiet. Not dead, more like dead air.

7 or 8 minutes later, the phone rang again. This time it was a guy informing me that his shift at the video store was almost over and he was planning to stop for a Slurpee and then he'd be over in 10 minutes. Again it was constant chatter but not quite as maniacal as the girl. It ended the same way. He just came to the end of what he had to say and then it was that dead air again.

I hung up but then took the phone off the hook so I wouldn't be further disturbed. But now that couldn't have been a coincidence that I got two calls of the same nature in that short time period. They didn't mention a business, or a phone number or a website. They just talked.

They were recordings and I never said a word after "hello".

So I was thinking it must be for some underhanded purpose. Perhaps I forgot to tell you that Sami and I were victims of identify theft a few months ago. Yes. Nobody wants to go through that again. I started googling around to see if the internet could shed like on what kind of mischief this could be. There was only one vague reference to hackers attempting to gain access to your computer by going through your phone line. could that be what it was? Trying to keep the line open long enough to connect to the computer?

I'm not sure ezactly how that would work, but in a case where a home would have a comprehensive connectivity service - like, one company  for  an inclusive phone, cable and internet connection package -  a scenario like that would be believable to a non-tech person like me.

So, then what was that about? Have any of you heard of that kind of thing before?

It's As Simple As This

If you buy the pie, I will eat the pie.