Cripes, Suzette!

Tell Me What You Love And I'll Tell You Who You Are

Apparently, I am a shiny red lobster claw.

Never in my extensive history of $1 purchases have I ever loved anything as much as I love this $1 lobster claw wine bottle stopper that I bought today.

Suzette Cooks

I'm makinga strata for brunch today. When I first started making these, I congratulated myself for being supercool because I was  incorporating something from another culture, something that I didn't grow up eating, into my meal plan rotation. Now I congratulate myself for being superlazy because these are so easy and forgiving to make.

I don't really have a meal plan rotation. I just said that to give the impression that I still cook on a regular basis. Which I don't.

Anyway, if you've never made one, it is like a quiche without a crust but less puddingish and more cakelike. Everybody loves it.I guess for your first one, you should follow a recipe but the basic elements are these:

• stale bread
• custard made from 1/2 &1/2 and eggs
• some kind of meat or vegetable
• grated cheese

This dish is perfect for me because I have the talent for  producing an attractive and delicious meal when faced with a larder that contains only an onion and some hot sauce. When I want to. Today I lucked out and found a plastic bag containing three small loaves of Italian bread that were mysteriously placed in the vegetable crisper. They were hard as a rock so I used them to make an onion-mushroom strata, except since I only slap in one layer of filling between the top and bottom layers of bread (sounds enticing, doesn't it?) instead of painstakingly layering smaller amounts of each, it's more of a singular strat, I guess. It doesn't matter! That is the beauty of it.

I do take care preparing the fillings. I caramelized the onions very slowly and then finished them off with some fresh thyme and 2 tablespoons of balsamic vinegar. Sami would plotz if he knew about the vinegar, but I am the decider and that is how I make them and he loves them. A professional ethicist might deem this slightly less than honest but... end, means - you know. It all works out and no one is harmed. In a seperate pan, I sauteed portabella mushrooms in butter and garlic. Now do you want some?

A little cheddar cheese, a little parmesan and a custard made of three eggs and 1 1/2 cup of milk and were ready to go. You're supposed to let this sit for 24 hours after assembly so that the bread absorbs the custard, but if I neglect to plan ahead, which is always,  I just cover the whole works with plastic wrap and weight it down with canned goods for an hour or so. I find that two Progresso soups, one  blackeyed peas and a marzipan are ideal for this step.

This is the real reason that  I like to make these. I get a secret thrill from knowing that this kind of situation is going in in my refrigerator, even if it only lasts for an hour. I like the texture of the finished dish better this way than the 24-hour sit method. This way, the bread absorbs all of the custard but doesn't lose it's structure and what you have is something cakelike in the end. If you make it the recipe-recommended way, it comes out more dense and .. I don't know, wet. Or thick. Or heavy. Something like that.

Anyway, you should google up some real recipes if you're interested in making one of these.

Pros:

• you can make filling out of anything you have hanging around
• uses up old bread good for nothing else
• takes good
• is made ahead so that you can sit around and socialize right up until the last minute of presentation
• gives you bargaining credits for "meals cooked this month" when you are making a case for Chinese food delivery

Cons:

• lots of prep dishes to wash
• run the risk of no peace ever again if the Hub stumbles upon the discovery of the vinegar in the onions
  

From Our Department of Things May Not Be Exactly As They Are Reported To Be

Now updated with images!

The smartest, sexiest, most fashionable, most in love first couple ever is coming to New York today on a big date.  Plans include terrifying the citizenry with a low AF1 fly-by, taking in a Broadway play and calling room service at the Waldorf-Astoria for lobster and champaign.

I am so proud of my country! So proud that I was inspired to rework a famous song for Michelle.

Start spreading the news:
I'm brining my fork
to eat high-end shellfish in New York, New York.

These size 13 shoes
are coming your way.
We'll play the happy couple in New York, New York.

I want to wake up with Ol' Stinky, the Chrysler thief.
And find I'm most beautiful. Best mom-in-chief
A number one. Face like chopped beef.

 These painted-on brows
are melting away.
I'm watching you with my small eye - you can't get away.
You're gonna act like
a real husband in public view
And find your ass is on stage.
Can't make a move.
Call Desiree.
Tell her that you've

Been tied to my ass
on a big ticket date.
If she wants time alone with you,
she'll have to wait.

If we can fake it now, we can drain the U.S. cash cow.
It's up to you, New York media. New York media.

I

 

She's wearing a cocktail dress, an updo and party earrings and he's going to a Broadway show without a tie.

Sunday Photo Contest: Why is the most in-love first couple ever dressed for two entirely different events?

(a) haven't been married long enough to know they should dress in the same style
(b) left the tie at Desiree's
(c) didn't want to spoil The Bo Look of darkcoat/white chest
(d) no actual communication between them

Bonus Amusement Item:

In The Apple Doghouse: A peek into how the company scrutinizes iPhone apps.

"Last winter, Mike Browne had a great idea: create an iPhone app based on President Obama's new dog ...   The original app called for Obama and Michelle to bump fists if Bo caught the Frisbee...    Apple only requests that developers avoid "obscene, pornographic, offensive or defamatory" content but doesn't provide specific guidelines...   a White House lawyer denied the request."

Is there anyone who doubts that the rejection was based on those eyebrows? Offensive!  Or maybe it was because they painted some boobs onto her.

Birthday Pictures

This is the seaside restaurant where the fam took me for a nice birthday dinner yesterday. Really it is a lovely setting when the windows aren't streaked with rain and the waves aren't violently crashing in the background. No wonder I was bummed out last night. It looks more like the opening scene of a murder mystery than a festive birthday dinner party.

This is a closely cropped picture of my actual bosom. I'm wearing a vintage silver strawberry pin on a relatively new sweater, which makes the average age of that combo 19 years. I like a big pin and I also like to think of myself as a big pin trend setter. This is the root of my irritation with MO, who absolutely does not  have what it takes when it comes to big pin style, no matter what the MSM tells you. See what I did here? I set the pin on the biatny at the corner of the square neckline for extra sauciness. Because that's how I roll.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'm chewing an extra-strength TUMS and drinking tap water out of a plastic tiki mug.

• Birthday 2008 Wow!
• Birthday 2007 Today, darlings, is my birthday
• Birthday 2006 A Snapshot of Our Domestic Bliss
• Birthday 2005 In honor of the occasion, I will now give a gift to you and it's a good one, too - it's the family recipe for Baked Beans.
• Birthday 2004 lost
• Birthday 2003 lost
• Birthday 2002 lost
• Birthday 2001Today is a milestone birthday for me.

Don't congratulate me.

This is my first birthday ever that I don't feel happy, or at the least content. I am filled with dread. Because life, huh? Life.

MORNING UPDATE: I'm feeling a lot more optimistic today. I just checked my "Your Birthday Today" horoscope and it says, in part: 

 "It is a time when we need to let go of things that no longer serve their purpose, and hold on to things that have a future. It is a time of cleaning out dead wood, not necessarily for new beginnings."

This fits in perfectly with my secret plan of turning the old TV room into a den with a big desk so we can park our work laptops and piles of bills and valuable junk mail there. I can't do that until I clean out the wooden laundry racks that seem to have taken permanent residence there and let go of the wing back chairs from the parlor. Also the piano - can I get rid of that?

The horoscope also says that I'm ruled by Mars this year so look out. I would hate to have to get all war-like on your asses.

UPDATE 2: Bob Hope has fallen off the list of "Famous People Born on May 29" and has been replaced with  Melissa Etheridge and Annette Bening. Ain't that a hell of a thing?

Huffpo or Onion?

A popular online "news" outlet is reporting that June 3rd is National Fist Bump Day.  But which one is it - the satirical and fictitious Onion or the off-balance but utterly fascinating Huffington Post?

Why,  it's Huffington Post!  (Clicking that link will also put you in the right place for an in-depth and  contemplative review of Judge Sonia's earrings, complete with a 9-panel slide show.)

"One year after the legendary Obama fist bump rocked the world, a new holiday will hit the mainstream: National Fist Bump Day. On June 3rd, get ready to knock knuckles with your neighbor as the pound becomes a new American pastime"

According to the NFBD website, that bump was " something new, something clean" and "an intensely personal and affectionate gesture of love and respect".

"For one day we are calling for Americans, and perhaps even all global citizens, to put aside their differences -- be they class, race, religion or values -- and show their respect with a little bump."

They're also calling for a t-shirt or two to be sold, but I'm sure that's incidental.

So celebrate with a little bump on June 3rd. And if you really want to get into it, maybe add something a little extra to it, like your first lady does. Slump or hump - your choice.

 

In Which I'm Talking To Myself Around Here

Facts that I could assemble into a story if I had any energy left:

• I haven't worn makeup in so long, I can't find my makeup pouch.
• My husband has always told me that he thinks I look better without makeup on than with.
• There are certain things about my face that benefit from being hidden, enhanced or minimized.
• A Martini Club member told me that whenever she wears makeup, she looks older the next day.
• Maybe if the filthy TSA goons didn't steal my hand-tooled leather make-up pouch in 2007, I'd be more interested in keeping tack of the makeup in it.
• If you're not wearing makeup, you can rub your eyes any time you want to without smeary consequence.

An American Family

It's too late for the Plus 8. They're already messed up, especially the cranky and least tolerated older girl, Maddie. Too bad TLC chose to frame the personalities of each child by prejudiced editing and scene setting. Some children are favored, some are mocked and Maddie is never cut a single break. She is unfailingly shown as crying, screaming and being uncooperative. She's 8 and she has been on camera for 5 years. that's a lot of tears.

Jon and Kate are all over the tv talks shows and tabloid newspapers now and TLC has decided to make their marital difficulties part of the scripted episodes this year. generating family revenue and the expense of the family. TLC is the wrong venue for this. Think PBS: think Loud family. Now the only hope for the family and the individual members in it is to let the film roll and then extract truth from that product , rather than scripting each episode and then editing to fit the storyline.

Obviously, Jon and Kate, or at least Kate, has decided to keep their family in the public eye. The decision has already been made. At least an honest presentation in true cinema verite style could offer some small hope for at the least, insight and at the most, redemption, for both the children and the adults in this wrecked family.

Eight little faces indeed. Those  little faces are going to spend a good long time searching for the meaning in the way thier lives unfolded.

Suzette's Body Parts

A partial list:

Hair: longish, varying shades of blonde, hot but not in a good way. My bangs are starting to interfere with blinking.

Neck: stiff, occasionally emits noises of the snap crackle pop category.

Left shoulder: sore. Possible aftermath of trying onto fit myself on the loveseat for a nap by my jamming shoulder up against the armrest.

Abdomen: mosquito bite in the belly button area.

Knees: seen better days.

Arches: very sore from stepping on shovel to dig up pesky wild strawberry vine invaders in my side flower bed.

Toenails: naked like God meant them to be. Not that I'm down with this particular heavenly message - I just  forgot where I put the Misty Mauve Express Finish 60 Second Nail Color.

Things We Didn't Know

 The Obamas have gone to Camp David for the holiday weekend and I'm glad about that. If they use it, at least they won't be tempted to sell it off the same way that other common-man president Jimmy Carter sold off the presidential yacht.

Questions:

• Did the dog go?
• Did Grandma go?
• Is there a swingset there?
• Is there a kitchen garden there?

Darlings, look! It's the Camp David China service:

 

Who knew that a mountain retreat with rustic cabins called for 24K gold-banded china service?

Hey Look! Stedman Has A Girlfriend

Emma, the 6 month old lab from next door, and Stedman have a regular playdate going on. She comes over to the backyard gate and makes a certain sort of yipping noise and he answers with the same kind of yipping. Then we let them socialize for a while. The socializing consists of:

• banging their chests together
• mouthing each other on the face, neck and back
• a little bit of ear wax action
• tumbling around
• drinking water

First they run around the yard, go up one set of deck steps and down the other, and then settle into the business of showing each other their tonsils.

These are Blackberry pictures - too bad my regular camera is not functional at the moment. I doubt that would make much difference in the quality of the pictures, though - let me tell you something: it's not so easy to take good pictures of dogs on the move.

The interesting thing is that these dogs are true to their breeds. Stedman, the cattle herder, anticipates the direction that she is going to move in and feints back and forth to block her. If that doesn't work, he chases behind her nipping at her heels. Emma, the retriever, grabs onto his dog collar and pulls him around the yard.

 

Then everybody makes a poop and goes home.

UPDATE: Stedman's other girlfriend is  a little lady we like to call the sprinkler system. He finds her irresistible.

Bulletpoints Over Bergen County

I am BEGGING you to watch the Real Housewives of New Jersey. It's not too late to catch up - tonight is Epsiode 2 and you can catch recaps of Ep1 all over the internet or you can watch the full show here.

Now as a student of the RH franchises, I've been thinking about the differences between the show locations and this is how I see it:

• RH of Orange County are dumbbells
• RH  of New York are schemers
• RH of Atlanta are posers
• RH of New Jersey are steamrollers

That is not to say that being a steamroller is a bad thing. This is New Jersey! If you don't steamroll, someone else is going to get the good parking spaces.

Of the 5 RHs, so far Teresa is my favorite. Just a few talking points about her:

• Have you ever seen a forehead that started there? She often wears a giant bandanna like Bret the Rock of Love guy and that makes it even better. Microcephaly - look it up.
• She has a husband who is "juicy and delicious". Also, musclebound and inarticulate.
• For three rooms of furniture, she paid $102,000.00 in cash. When she counted it out, she licked her thumb before dealing out the bills. That was the best.
• She used the word "scheeve" (loosely translated as "it gives me the creeps") complete with scrunched up face and hunched shoulder movements when she said it. I am already praying to San Genaro that someone on this show will explain the difference between shangad and moushad before the season ends.
• When her 6 year old had a dance recital, she painted up her face in the style of  Baby Jane Hudson.

I'm telling you - this is going to be the best RH ever. The only thing that would make it better is if they were holding tomatoes in the opening shot.

Cheese And

Yes:

• macaroni
• beef
• garlic bread
• grits
• wine
• crackers

No:

• chicken
• fish
• hot dogs
• beer

Marginal:

• french fries
• beans

 Hey! Why don't you invite me to come over? This is what I'll bring. And then I'll tell you: "This zesty cheese ring can be also made as a log."

Zesty Cheese Ring

Ingredients

• 1 pound shredded Cheddar cheese
• 3/4 cup mayonnaise
• 5 medium green onions, finely chopped (white parts only)
• 1 pinch cayenne pepper
• 1 pinch garlic salt, or to taste
• 1 (10 ounce) jar raspberry preserves
• 1 (10 ounce) package thin wheat crackers

Directions

• In a medium bowl, mix together the Cheddar cheese, mayonnaise, green onion, cayenne pepper, and garlic salt until well blended.
• Coat a ring shaped gelatin mold generously with cooking spray.
• Spoon the cheese mixture into the mold, cover, and chill for 2 to 3 hours to set.
• Unmold onto a serving plate, and pour raspberry preserves into the center.
• Arrange wheat crackers around the outside of the ring.

People like what I cook. Want to know why? Because I never use less than one full teaspoon of anything no matter what. I laugh at a pinch! Might as well just stay in bed.

Before It Starts Raining Again

We have achieved rositude.

I sure hope everything I've read about the toughness of these Knockout roses is correct because they were pretty much manhandled into that arrangement. A big public thank you to Mr. Sami who did the job -dog fencing included - almost single handedly.

Here he is informing me that "this is a work area" and not fit for photographing. I know it's a work area - who do you think was holding the other end of that roll of wire? The rain can begin again at any moment and I wanted see my garden without puddles all over the place.

My intention is to keep that little fence up until a certain canine dirt-digger wises up - maybe a year or two. He also does a pretty good high-speed chase pushing a big ball around the yard and I think the wire fence can withstand that . I know for sure that the roses don't stand a chance without it. In the worst case, thse are shrub roses so if the fence has to stay forever, I think the plants will shrub out right through the openings, hiding the wire.

The New Jackie O

Photo of the Week:

Scram

All I'm saying is that is you come around here and use my comments for your own commercial gain, I'm going to have to do something about that. For instance, if your name is something like W00d3n 5wing 5ets and you find a post I wrote about Malaria and Sahsay's swingsetty photo op, then I am going to change a few things in the comment that you wrote.

In Which I Am Surprised By Myself

In case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm a pessimist, fatalist and a person with low expectations. Although I'm not all that old, I don't expect to live much longer. There's nothing wrong with my health. I'm not sick - I just don't expect to live a long time. On my honeymoon, an Egyptian palm reader told me that I would live more than 90 years, but then he turned to Sami and told him he wasn't used to reading pale skin so I can't count on that.

What I'm going to tell you next is completely out of character for me: I just bought some new carpets, I am considering new living room furniture and today, I am planting a rose garden. All of these things are long-term investments in either money or time and no one is more surprised about this than me.

There's a classic Twilight Zone episode about an old woman who fears death and won't got out or answer her door for fear that Death will find her. In the end, despite the way she has arranged her life, Death wins. Maybe these actions are my way of forestalling the inevitable . The will to live - it's really something, eh?

Anyway, I'm not afraid of death but I am afraid of modern medical techniques to keep you alive. Happy is he who is found dead in his own bed.

Somebody Has To Say It

Dear Internet,

This is what has got to stop:

• Stop using black backgrounds for your blogs.The contrast between dark backgrounds and light text burns my retinas and makes visiting sites with that color scheme very unpleasant for me.
• Stop with the tip jars on the blogs. If you want to be paid for your writing, submit your work to magazines or newspapers (Letters to the Editor).  Tip jars are sad.
• BlogHer.

Thanking you in anticipation for your cooperation,

Your pal, Suzette

Le Fleurs du L'Offeece

I'm a big fan of vases - crystal vases, pottery vases, dollar store vases, Lenox China Warehouse Clearance vases, flea market vases - I've got 'em all and I use them frequently. However, there are times when only a canning jar will do.

(Answered) Questions for Suzette:

When did you ever can?

I never actually canned per se but I did hang around my mother once when I was a teenager so I know a canning jar when I see one. Also, I drank wine from a canning jar at the Hickory Hollow restaurant in Houston so I'm like a double authority.

Is that really a canning jar?

Well, no. It's actually an old salsa jar. Isn't it cool?

Are those your roses?

Technically, yes. They're bought and paid for but not yet planted in my yard. So I guess if you were a stickler you could say that I didn't grow them, I only harvested something that was on the plants when I bought them.

(Unanswered) Questions from Mr. Sami:

Is that my jar?
Why did you have to take that jar?
Did you think that maybe I'd like to have that jar to measure things?
Why don't you use one of those million vases that you have?
What happened to those coffee cans that I was saving?

This Is Very Nice And All, But Is It Really Necessary?

Lincoln's Penny Gets A New Look

From the comments on that article: "WOW! What a cool penny! I almost forgot about the 30 Trillion dollar debt!"

New World Order

China has us all over a barrel and they are out for our destruction. Oh, it won't be by anything so obvious as pulling the credit rug out from under us or shooting down our communications satellites or even by poisoning our dog food. Those moves are bold and they would risk retaliation. No, they'll be going about it a different way - by undermining the very fabric of our daily lives. In fact, it's already begun.

I'm talking specifically about nylon mesh bath puffs. Yes. I am of the habit of purchasing these from the dollar store, usually 4 or 6 to a plastic sleeve. Even though I employ a traditional wash cloth and have recently added a back brush to my routine, I still enjoy a lathery once-over before the final rinse. You can't beat these things for creating a good thick lather out of bar soap, shower gel or even -in a pinch - shampoo. Works in hard water, too!

I use them at home, I travel with them and leave the damp ones behind to be thrown out, I keep some in my suitcase and just take pleasure in the fact that wherever I am and whatever I'm doing, I will soon enough be able to depend on working up a good lather.

I notice however, that the Chinese have chosen to undermine my peace of mind by changing their production techniques. My last two batches have been very poorly made. Only one or two uses, and the little hanging string comes undone and just like that you find your self holding a 5 foot long tube of nylon netting. If this hasn't happened to you yet, let me tell you that balling up the netting in your hand and trying to carry on DOES NOT WORK. This disappointment, delivered while I stand naked and alone, is having a very bad effect on my psyche.

This is how it starts. First the bath puffs and then who knows what other thing we've come to depend on will let us down? Before you know it, the tanks will be able to roll right down the streets of New Jersey unopposed.

Har

Here's what's funny: I collected all of my unpublished blog ideas and made one blog post out of them.  In this way, I cleared out the drafts without the guilt of discarding them and without the effort required to make a full post out of each one. It's kind of unfinished and now it's an unpublished idea for a blog. 

Chin Wagging with Michelle Obama

Many of you have lost confidence in main stream media reporting and just don't know what to believe anymore. Where can you turn when you want reliable information and answers to the questions of the day? Why, to Fashion Icon and Busy Mom™ Michelle Obama, of course!

You already know that she's the most beautiful first lady ever but did you know that she's done a little bit of everything? The sum total of all the things that make her special is too much for mere mortals to bear all at once, but fortunately, her individual parts are each separately qualified to set an example for America and the world.

And so today we launch a new public service feature here at Cripes,  Suzette! called ASK MICHELLE OBAMA'S CHIN. Michelle Obama's chin is not only more beautiful than yours but you can absolutely depend on the truthfulness and accuracy of  the answers to your questions because she's done a little bit of everything.

.............................

ASK MICHELLE OBAMA'S CHIN.

Today's Question: Is it true that when you were coming out of high school and going into college, you had to had to work all the time because you had to have enough money for books for the year, and  to help out with tuition?

 In fact, my experience as a dog trainer is the reason that my dog Bo seems so well-behaved. Because we're a special family and he's our dog that means he's special, too. Special dogs require special training and so I used my own unique dog training methods which I will share with you now.

First, you have to have a chat with the business end of a dog to let them know who's the boss. You can see in the photo below  that I am displaying my special Chin of Smug Satisfaction expression after a very successful session with Bo when he learned just who is the boss of his little puppy ass.

 

.

Next - and this step is crucial - you spin him around and give him the terrorist fist bump right on the noggin to make sure he got the message.

.

Now we're ready to walk. I like to employ my special leash-holding technique to be sure to maximize the pleasure of the beast/master relationship. I can feel it right down to my fingertips when that dog starts to move!  FYI - I used my skills  to train the rest of the family to stay out of my camera shot. Smiling Chin of Center Spotlight!

.
As you can see, the dog is completely under control. I find it gives one a greater health benefit (that's funny - right, Barack? Like anyone is actually going to benefit from your health care plan!) to have the dog do more of a lunge than a walk. Follow along behind in a slightly crouched position with both arms extended until the leash handle starts to cramp up your fingers into a painful little cone. Not for beginners!

.

Finally, to reward yourself for all of your hard work, have a bit of fun by turning the dog over to a beginner but don't tell him anything about how to hold the leash or anything else about how to control a dog. This is  a two-part process: (1) turn over dog (2) push impudent daughter out of photo frame. Try your best to make it one smooth move.

 

.

Think to yourself "Now let's see Desiree Rogers whisper into your ear like that again, Barry my boy" while displaying Chin of Mirth.

Everybody's Talking About New Jersey

Don't forget - The Real Housewives of New Jersey premiers tonight.If you''ve seen the previews, you might be wondering how do people get to be like that? The answer is we start 'em young. E! knows that - that's why they got the Jersey jump on last night with a new reality series about our youngsters called Jersey Shore Unleashed. Now who says every place in America is the same nowadays? That, my friends, is Jersey-style. And if you think that this is made up or edited to give a false impression, then I guess you have never seen Guido Beach.

In case you're tempted to click away without watching that video, here are just a few samples of what you'll be missing:

• I like guidos and big muscles. Not too much of a meathead.
• I'm gonna try to breed a kid my size
• I'm from Short Hills - Milburn. Jewville. Same thing.
• Shit. Whatever. I'm still going home wit you. 

And then they grow up and retire to Florida. Hi Joanie!

Communications Update

My Blackberry is just fine now that I have a cradle to charge it instead of using the USB port. However, my laptop is still at corporate IT headquarters getting worked over and my home commuter works only intermittently. So as you can imagine, I have to use my limited online time wisely - and I am. I'm using it mainly to stalk Eric Violette, the lip-syncing singer from the freecreditreport.com commercials. There is precious little available about him, but this is what I've got so far:

• he has an accent
• because he's French-Canadian
• he's writing a book
• he's a licensed mesotherapist (Shiatsu)
• whatever that is

Apparently, he's a real singer and an actor and he needs a better PR person if that's all I can find out about him.

I Never Promised You A Rose Garden That Would Be Finished In One Day

Hey! Guess what I got for Mother's Day?* A rose garden. Here it is:

That's 28 linear feet of future beauty right there. Something about rain-soaked  ground, shaking the dirt off of all the plant roots that turned up in the tilling and "maybe tomorrow." I don't know.

There are also roses, currently lounging around on the deck. These are Double Red Knockouts, advertised as the perfect rose for lazy gardeners. Which hello? Have you met me? I can't depend on this Mother's Day goodwill to last forever, you know.

Finally, there's a little bundle of wire fencing to keep out little dogs who like to dig and eat dirt. That aluminum ladder was standing on it's side and fell over with a clatter. The noise freaked the dog out and he won't go near it, so we're leaving it there as a dog barrier. 7 pots of delicious dirt with some annoying plants sticking out of them. Stay away, little dog. You know who you are.

I hope to see all of these elements put together sometime soon. "Maybe tomorrow."

* Also, people pulled out poison ivy vines, dug up hostas and sawed them in half,  and then planted them elsewhere, thus sparing the old mother much present effort and future itching.

Barf

"Today is Mother's Day. Today we should celebrate Michelle Obama's arms as the arms of a mother."

Sally Quinn, Washington Post 5/10/09

Here's what's funny: they're focusing on the wrong body part. All this fuss over Fashion Icon and Busy Mom Michelle Obama's™ arms misses her real power muscles: the ones that hold up the giant ugly necklaces.

I used to think that she was round-shouldered, had bad posture, slumped forward - any number of things to account for her slightly-off balance center of gravity. Now I realize it's because her trapezius muscles are overdeveloped due to the constant challenge of lugging 10 pounds of cheap beads around all the time.

In case you are tired of hearing about MO's arms, or if you never did quite get what is the attraction in the first place, do what I do - subsitute the word "butt  cheeks" for "arms". It instantly improves any article written about her. Try it:

"May I change the subject," said a prominent Washington theologian at a recent dinner. The conversation had been high-minded -- religion, philosophy, the nature of evil. "I'd like to talk about Michelle Obama's butt cheeks," he said.

He is a big fan of those butt cheeks. We then began a discussion about the significance of the first lady's butt cheeks. Actually, it turned out to be equally serious. Michelle Obama's butt  cheeks, we determined, were transformational. Her butt cheeks are representative of a new kind of woman: young, strong, vigorous, intelligent, accomplished, sexual, powerful, embracing and, most of all, loving."

See how much more fun it is that way? Here's another photo from the same event, the White House Correspondent's Dinner:

So much to take in here! Note the expression on MO's face as she resigns herself to giving the terrorist fist bump to everyone she meets for the rest of her life. I'd classify that one as"not thrilled".

Lookie here. Another elegant, beautiful Harvard grad with no bosom to speak of showed up at that dinner also wearing a sleeveless hot pink dress. It's the White House's Second Lady, Desiree Rogers. As you no doubt agree, I am something of an adept at recognizing and interpreting messages via fashion choices and I do believe there's a message there for someone.

And I'm not the only one who thinks something's up. Check this out. Body language!

 

Keep your eye on this, folks. It's going somewhere.

As Mustards Go, Dijon Is A Pretty Lame Mustard To Align Yourself With

I mean to write "tame" in this post title but "lame" works even better.

I realize that this whole Dijjongate thing is a distraction that is just making us numb so that by the time Friday rolls around and the real news (fire the AFO scapegoat, admit a mistake about the Gitmo detainees, * yawn * ) is silently let loose at 5pm, no one will make note of it. That being said - Dijon? Are you kidding me?

As mustards go, one can do much better. I like a big bold brown mustard. This, to me, is what makes a good mustard:

• if it has whole or visible crushed mustard seeds in it
• if it has horseradish or some kind of bleach in it to make it even more sharp
• if it dominates all other flavors

But that's just me. Look, I understand why Dijon is popular - because it's subtle. It's the white sauce of mustards. Why even bother? Compare and contrast:

Now which of those is worth your time? Even bright yellow All-American supermarket  mustard is preferable to the wimpy Dijon. At least you know that when you use the yellow stuff, not only are you going to get a strong flavor kick, but your clothing and other porous surfaces are in danger of getting bleached should some fallout happen. That's food adventure right there.

I don't want to add to your worries, but something is wrong with this president. He puts mustard on burgers when everyone knows it's ketchup that is the proper condiment. He puts mustard in his tuna salad which ...  I cannot even compose a sentence about that horror. He almost started a stampede when he put hot sauce into gumbo and bless my soul but he appears to eat hot dogs barenaked. That is the vehicle for mustard, Mr. Obama. What a freak.

Lastly, I leave you with a vision of mustardy goodness. Not mustard it self, but mustard cheese.

This smooth, firm, tasty Cheddar is made with Welsh brown ale and mustard seeds. Red Dragon is a buttery and spicy cheese with plenty of bite. Not only do the mustard seeds give Red Dragon its marvelous flavor, but also its texture. The brown ale makes the cheese moist and tangy.

There's your foodie elitism right there. The stuff is about 20 bucks a pound - too much for a casual snack but what the heck, let's live it up while we still can. The economy is collapsing, businesses are closing up, familiar products are disappearing and who knows - by this time next year, we might find that only the Dijon people are still in the mustard business.

Come On Summer

Only one or two more days of rain until New Jersey can start really enjoying the outdoors again.

I took advantage of the brief spell of non-rain this morning to go to the garden center for a 98 ¢ cellpack of impatiens. Here's an unexpected twist: I came away $200.00 lighter. Who could have predicted that would ever happen? I'm thrilled about everything that came home with me except for the impatiens - I should have gotten the purple ones.

Here's this summer's outdoor lighting:

It's a sideways grapevine wreath festooned with assorted Xmas lights. It makes the fabric canopy cover glow in the night. It gives off a kind of UFO-ish vibe, doesn't it?

I Spy With My Little Eye, Sesame Street Edition

In the land of the blind, the one big eye(d) woman is queen.

Breaking News!

Did Fashion Icon and Busy Mom Michelle Obama™ reveal another aspect of the Obama Plan For A Better America yesterday in her speech before a crowd of business executives yesterday?

"She called herself someone who strives to do more than 100 percent at work. "If people here are like me -- I call myself a 120-percenter. If I'm not doing any job at 120 percent, I think I'm failing."

Question: did they change the definition of percent?

If the answer to that is NO, then I think we are starting to see how the White House is figuring that the  Spend First/Tax Later approach to the economy is going to be delivered in a palatable way to the tax-paying public. No need to worry about all those big numbers with the dollar signs attached to them - we'll just change the base from 100 to 120. Then the numbers won't look so bad. It's genius.