Cripes, Suzette!

Samba Into 2009

There is nothing to be gained by looking backwards. Savor this moment and then move forward. That's my personal plan and my best advice on this New Year's Eve. You may quote me.

So that's it - no retrospective look back at '08, no best of /worst of lists, no maudlin regret  that another year has passed. I'm not entirely opposed to the tradition of summing up the year in a too-brief limited example so  I would suggest to you that this is the best comment anywhere on any piece written anywhere on the internet.

In a jezebel piece on mid-century food writer/anthropologist Clementine Paddleford,  commenters responded to the line "Tell me where your grandmother came from and I can tell you how many kinds of pie you serve for Thanksgiving". Among the many personal recollections of grandmas and their relationship to pies is buried this gem:

My grandmother came from Las Vegas by way of Rio. She doesn't make fucking pies. She makes Bloody Mary's & Russian Quualudes, gets everyone drunk, dances the samba in her seamed stockings, and then goes home when it's time to clean up.

If I were to make anything approaching  a life plan for the coming year, this would be the template I would use.

Happy New Year.

Well, You'd Better Look Under The Bed Because Somebody Is Either Coming or Going*

*Punchline to a 3rd-grade level joke that involves a biblical refernece to "Remember,  man you are dust and to dust you shall return" and a mommy. It is implied that the mommy is a poor housekeeper and that, of course, is the joke

Is that important anymore - housekeeping - in these times of social unrest and economic stress? does anyone think less of me because I admit that I don't have a regular cleaning schedule, let alone the desire to implement one? Or the will to stick to it if I did?

Anyway, I'm cleaning now so what's the big deal?

Also, I wish vacuum cleaner manufacturers would stop making see-through dirt canisters. This is something I do not wish to see at any point in the game. Isn't it bad enough that when I used the steam carpet cleaner and poured out the extracted fluid, it looks like I gave the once-over to the bottom of a coal mine? At least in that circumstance, one can choose to turn one's head away.The clear canister is entirely too in-your- face and does not promote a climate of wanting to vacuum. So maybe this attitude is not of my making after all.

And now for some a capella Freddie Mercury, whom I deeply love.

It Pays To Know Somebody With A Very Good Camera

Steggie At Xmas

All the cool 5 year-olds call him "Stegman". Long car rides and icy conditions limited his activity but overall, he was a very well-behaved holiday guest considering the vast number of forbidden things he had in his mouth that did not get destroyed. The worst thing that happened to him ... ever, apparently ... was when we played Dominic the Donkey in the car. Canine flip-out.

B'rak You

Gosh, who could have predicted that the blog reading public would be so turned off by the visual of PEBO's stiffy?

HE POSED FOR THAT PICTURE, PEOPLE. That's the image he wanted you all to see - SCREW YOU,  AMERICA.

I guess people don't mind the notion so much as the actual sight of it.

From the Office of the President-Elect:

A special holiday message to the people of America -

Celebrating Christmas Like A Rock Star

Select the correct photo for the following caption:

"Famous blonde celebrity poses with a flocked Christmas tree."

Is it Photo # 1?

 

Or photo # 2?

   

Merry Christmas from your favorite blonde celebrity! Happy holidays to you all.

Getting in the Holiday Mood

link Hacking Roomba

In Our Hearts Forever

Blackberry, Suzette's
December 22, 2008

Suzette's Blackberry passed away suddenly on December 22, 2008. Born in Ontario, he lived in New Jersey his whole life. He was a lifelong member of Microsoft Outlook and Gmail and enjoyed Push-to-Talk, taking pictures and playing Brickbreaker. He is survived by Stereo Headset, USB Cable and Travel Charger,  all of Eatontown NJ. Interment will be private. He will be sorely missed.

For Hurricane Mikey

Hey, Mikey - you're right. Everything is better with bacon added to it.

Like this, for instance.

Or this.

Need a side of bacon on your web site? Just put it at the end of http://bacolicio.us/

A Reader Survey

Who among us does not adore the Rice Krispy Treat?

There are some things that should never be messed with and one of those is the basic recipe for Rice Krispy Treats - other than the Rice Krispies . I don't go for the addition of chocoalte chips, chopped dried cherries or any other "great ideas". However, I am willing to  switch out the Rice Krispies for Cocoa Pebbles, Fruity Pebbles, Cheerios or even Corn Pops.

So if you were going visiting with the notion that you should bring along 2 varieties of RKTs, which 2 versions would you bring? Chose from the list below or make your own suggestions:

1. Rice Krispies
2. Cocoa Pebbles Fruity Pebbles
3. Cheerios
4. Fruit Loops
5. Corn Pops
6. Honey Smacks
7. Alphabits

This is not a joke - it's serious serious Rice Krispies Treats research. I would much appreciate your input.

No One Needs A Mink Coat But The Mink

It's that time of year again when people without imagination or good taste start yammering on about the schmaltzy piece of crap called It's a Wonderful Life, which as you know is the world's worst movie.

Dissenting opinion not welcome. Further discussion prohibited.

I propose that from now on, any internet chatter about Christmas-themed movies be limited to the one true Christmas classic: Christmas In Connecticut.

It's got everything a good movie should have:

• Barbara Stanwyck
• nurses in proper uniforms
• Uncle Felix
• a farm
• a borrowed baby
• merry mix-ups

I have no hope of turning the maudlin tide against IAWL and I guess I wouldn't want those people in my camp anyway.

Those Snowbabies Have A Lot To Answer For

Was it not enough that the Mikasa Outlets had to close down on me? What a great place that was for Xmas gift shopping for the likes of school teachers, bus drivers, office mates, etc. To say nothing of the brides! How many happy hours did I spend there admiring the play of light on the cut crystal, choosing just the right fine items at discount prices and cheerily loading up a shopping cart? Ah, well, at least the company is still in business and you can still find decent prices, although nothing like the variety or discount of the outlet. [Department stores and gift shops are loaded with the stuff, but those prices even on sale are for chumps.]

So what was a girl to do? Pay retail? I think not - I transferred all of my tchachkes shopping affection to the giant Lenox Warehouse Outlet in Cranbury NJ. What a place! Not just dinnerware, not just Gorhamn crystal and Towle metalwares,  but stacks and stacks of boxed giftware at ridiculously low, low prices. They're not open all the time - you have to know when the sales are - and even though they have a regular street address in a light industrial park, it is something of a challenge to actually find the place. But so worth the effort to get there. I am excessively diverted!

Now what do I hear but that Lenox has filed for bankruptcy protection !? [interrobang] Lordy lordy.

I happen to know somebody who knows somebody who happens to know that its pretty much for certain that Lenox will be out of business next year. Can you imagine? America's premiere fine china maker designer and manufacturer of the White House China in continuous use for 80 years - going out of business. And not just an American company - but a New Jersey company.

Go back and read the details of that bankruptcy article:

"Lenox was called Department 56 until 2005 when it changed its name after buying Lenox Inc., a fine-china maker, to offset declining demand for its collectibles. Debt stemming from the acquisition and the weakening financial markets lead to the filing, Lenox Group said."

Declining demand? I guess so! Have you seen the shit that Department 56 produces?  And so now Lenox China is to be sacrificed to save the goddam Snowbabies.What kind of world are we living in? I'm perfectly willing to live a life without Fords and Chevys, but a life that does not include Lenox China?

Unimaginable.

He'd Already Be Covered In Cream and We'd All Be Watching the Cats Lick It Off

We interrupt our regularly scheduled bitterness for the following candid remarks:

I have no love for America's Princess. I do believe that she is now and has always been a bitch who operated on her sense of entitlement and privlege. It's clear to me and anyone else who cares to read beyond the first sentence that her sudden interest in HRC's senate seat is self-serving rather than for the benefit of the people of New York, the country or the Deocratic Party. But if it was her brother who came out of the blue to announce the same interest, old Hillary would be parked in the cellphone lot at Laguardia for the next several months waiting it out until it was time for her confirmation hearing and no one would make a peep about it.

I'm just saying that the gender gap is not lessened as much as you'd think it has or it should be. Women are treated differently. Not with deference or respect but with attitude that imposes limits.

In Which "Caroline Kennedy" and "Tramp Stamp" Appear in the Same Sentence

The focus on Caroline Kennedy continues. While she's been busy picking up that phone to call everybody but the cockroaches in New York, our First Assistant Fashion Sleuth, The Proprietor, has done some marvelous work and writes to tell us:

"And then there is the tattoo... The Post Thinks It Has Found Caroline Kennedy’s Flaw.

" ... it's been known for decades that Caroline Kennedy once had a tattoo of a butterfly inside her elbow. She even wore a band around her arm on her wedding day in 1986 to hide it in pictures. This might be the only time in history when an easily hidden tramp stamp might have been the better choice. "

Our sleuth colors himself dubious and does a little fact checking of his own. He sends along photographic evidence that she did not, in fact, wear any such device. (Unless she had it tucked up into those shoulder pads.)

Now that is some fine sleuthing. Also, I'd like to redirect your attention back to the uppermost photo. Neither fame nor fortune nor pedigree nor privilege can halt the bingo arm

And The Pony Named Macaroni That You Rode In On

This is why the editorial we are in favor of Caroline Kennedy becoming a highly visible US Senator:

1. She's an aspirational role model for people afflicted with visible gum lines.
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2. She's  a living rebuke to anyone who mistakenly compares her elegant and well-mannered mother to America's new  Mom-in-Chief Michelle Obama.

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3. She's got those amusing vertical folds on her forehead that beg for endless "Hatchet Face" references.

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4. She's a Kennedy - it's only a matter of time until the next self-inflicted family tragedy.

Now with Extra Whiteness

California

First. Everybody here - and I mean everybody - says "Merry Christmas".

Second. I got myself up close and personal with flocked trees. This little number, about 8-9 feet tall, had a $399.99 tag on it. In general, the flocked tress went for lower than the plain trees. What kind of business model is that?

 

This would have had more impact, I think, if I had posted it while I was still on the west coast.

Third. Using some fallen branches from our backyard and some bits of paneling and molding from his garage collection, Sami made a one-of-a-kind creche which I carted to Laguna Beach in my suitcase. Here it is. 

Now my suitcase and my business wardrobe smell like the stain he used on the thing.

New Jersey

Home again. Flew  today on the tail end of some real  snow. We had one of those chatty pilots who kept us informed of our progress and projected arrival time - 55 minutes ahead of schedule. He kept saying that he was skeptical about that and that it was likely that we would be issued "delaying vectors" at some point. Didn't happen , though. We got in early, only taxied around for 7-8 minutes and walked up the jetway to see a mass of disappointment. Outbound flights delayed indefinitely or canceled.

The dog is recovered from his jumping-induced bum shoulder and so is able to cavort in the snow. He is eating, chasing and rolling in it all at once.

Anyway,  flocking is much more charming that the real thing.

Now I Want One

Wasn't it just last week that I was joshing with  the internet's best sport about flocked Xmas trees? Joshing as in "Hello, 1955".

Well, it turns out what do I know? Imagine my surprise while driving around Laguna Beach today and coming across a Xmas tree lot with fully 25% of the inventory coated in lovely, lovely flocking.

 I DIDN'T KNOW THEY CAME IN PINK!

Bingo Arms No More

You know what bingo arms are, don't you? That big fleshy waving that goes on pretty much independent of the bone and muscle of the female upper arm?

Fret no more, gals. Help has arrived at last in the form of a girdle for upper arms. Repeat: a girdle for upper arms.

I draw no conclusions that the LA Times chose to highlight this product on the day that I arrived in California.

All YOUR Leaves Are Brown and YOUR Sky Is Grey

Hey, people - I'm in California. Observe the palm trees at night. 

 

Diagnosis: Just Plain Crazy

I'm very busy! I don't have time to Xmas shop, talk to The Hub or daughter, do laundry or blog. I must, however, report to you on the physical condition of Steddy Freddie Mercury.

He can't walk.

Long story short, he hurt one of his shoulders during his maniacal* sessions of leaping off of the arm of the couch onto the hardwood floor. No permanent damage done, its just that he has to refrain from jumping for the next few weeks.

Can someone explain that to him please? He's doesn't get it.

*Definition: "characterized by ungovernable excitement or frenzy". That pretty much describes it.

To My Children, This Is Just Like Watching A Video Of Rudy Vallee Dance Around

I've allowed myself to take a break from constantly playing the video clips of Queen's Live Aid performance to search for their American television debut on Saturday Night Live. I could only find it on a Vietnamese video site and it kept breaking up so I copied it here for my own enjoyment.

They were too big for SNL.

Mommiepoo

If the Word Press log-in system would let me in once in a while, I might be able to comment in the appropriate place, say like on the blog that inspires the comment. Since that is not the case, I have to say it here:

Congratulations to long-time internet acquaintance, Faith on the arrival of her first child. 

A blond, Faith? However did you manage that?

Snippets From the Annual Let's Get A New Nativity Set Conversation

He: "What the hell is that?"
She: "It's a little plastic piglet."
"He: "There were no pigs there. That's why you never see a pig in a nativity scene."
She: "Listen, I know they were Jewish but that doesn't mean there weren't any pigs at all in Bethlehem, does it?"

.................

He: "Does it have one of those men with the lamb around his neck?"
She: "A shepherd?"
He: "Yeah."
She: "No. this set is German. It's the Italians that did that lamb-neck wear thing so they incorporated it into their Nativity sets."
"He: "The Italians know what they're doing. The Germans can go screw themselves. And they can screw those big fat sausages, too."

.................

He: "What about an angel?"
She: "There's no angel. I'm thinking of putting a swan on the roof. It's either that or a fairy."
He: "  ...  "
She: "Don't say there's no swans there. I read that oil-rich princes hunt them with silver-plated machine guns."
He: "That's the Saudis. Screw them."

.................

She: "Did they have chickens?"
He: "I don't know."
She:"What about a cat? Did they have a cat?"
He: "No."
She: "Yes, they did so have a cat."

.................

She: "Anyway, I don't need that kind of shepherd. I have this one."
He: "That's a dog."
She: ""I know! It's a German Shepherd. Get it?"
He: "The Germans can go screw themselves."

Queen's Bitch

Hello, blog people! I have been interacting intensely and exclusively with real people this week, to whom I fed pork roll and cheese sandwiches.  All spare time was occupied by playing YouTube videos of Queen over and over. And speaking of Queens, blog pal and co-conspirator, The Proprietor has been keeping an eye out for blog content and has come up with a winner: Condoleeza Rice performs for the Queen, who arrives with Dorgi.

And as long as we're talking about England, do you know that there are 103 people and one cat named "Freddie Mercury" on Facebook?

How Much Is That Hybrid In the Window?

I'm on the fence about hybrid dogs. 

On the one hand, I totally agree that they are just mixed breed dogs - mutts, in other words - and the world has no shortage of mutts the way it is. On the other hand, they are the product of selective breeding which is no different than the method used by AKC recognized breeders to develop desirable genetics in conventionally recognized breeds.

While the AKC people are firmly entrenched in denying the admission of hybrids into the officially recognized breeds, popular culture has already moved on. The dog park is aswarm with puggles and cockapoos and even Queen Elizabeth got into the act by inventing the dorgi, although that seemed to be pretty much a result of dog-driven l'amour rather than intent. The Queen took to the little dogs and started seriously breeding "Windsor Dorgis" but the Kennel Club of England is not amused: "The Dachshund was evolved to chase badgers down holes and Corgis to round up cattle. If anyone loses a herd of cattle down a badger hole, these are just the dogs to get them out."

An indicator that may be more telling than pedigree breeder opinion is this revelation from a Conde-Nast slideshow about hybrid dogs:

"The labradoodle has become so popular that it recently replaced the Scottish terrier as the new dog playing piece in the board game Monopoly."

 Is that true? Those of you who receive a Monopoly set for Xmas, please report back on this. Unless the labradoodle is on the Obama shortlist as the new White House puppy, I'd say it's tenure as Monopoly dog is going to be short-lived.

FYI - I've seen a few labradoodles at the dog park - they are gangly and goony and pretty damn big. Plus, just about any kind of 'oodle needs a regular beauty parlor appointment which makes it a loser in my book.

UPDATE: gah.