My life is fairly unexciting, and I accept that. I'm used to it and I take my pleasure in the adventurers of others. This week, there were two major carrots dangled in front of me that caused my heart to beat faster.
First, an internet pal from Seattle told me that he was going to see Hillary at her Thursday night rally in Seattle. I was instantly euphoric because this person knows full well what elements interest me and was fully prepared to deliver. In fact, in 2004 he was able to give me a detailed report after he was in close proximity to Teresa Heinz Kerry (off-white slacks and a deep salmon-colored silk shirt, was it not?)
But it was not to be. Traffic tie-ups prevented his attendance at the rally. And look what the woman was wearing - leopard spotted accessories! Our gal Hil is getting a lot of mileage out of that brown suit - here it is at the recent Los Angeles debate paired up with an unfortunate choice of accessories. I like a nice bit of turquoise as much as the next girl, but Hillary - did your stylist miss the plane that night? FYI - Hillary is definitely NOT pulling little Chelsea around like a show pony. Take that, David Schuster! I'm sure there's a very good reason why she has to stand on stage glued to her mother's backside, mute and grinning.
And darlings - if the vision of the leopard accessories is not enough, how do you like her in kitten heels?
Hillary has deployed her cankle-cloaking hemline but cannot resist taunting us with a peek at the Hillary within. Kitten heels, people, Hillary in kitten heels! And the vision is only slightly marred by the swollen feet peeping out over the vamp. Obviously, she left her water pills in the case with her coordinating jewelry.
Immediately following this disappointment came news that another compadre, on another coast and on the other side of the aisle, would be attending an event celebrating the highlight of the Republican social season - the Lincoln Day Dinner. The entertainment promised here was none other than New Jersey state treasure Uncle Floyd. So balance is restored in my universe. I might not be getting a first-person account of a Hillary sighting, but by golly, I'd have me some Uncle Floyd. I was completely confident that I'd get as personalized a report as humanly possible, since this reporter had previously turned in satisfying reports about hotel toiletries and Vera Bradley handbags.
Alas, this was also an unfulfilled mission. I guess the boneless chicken breast was the big moment of the evening, because when that was over with, so was the party. Nevertheless, our man does provide these thrilling observations about Uncle Floyd:
- He’s gotten pretty chunky.
- He arrived wearing a Yankee cap and clubhouse jacket.
- He travels light: his porkpie hat, plaid jacket and a guitar.
- Oogie was nowhere to be seen.
Fans of mp3s, crude song parodies and Jersey jokes, rejoice! Because he didn't get to hear it in person, I present to you now one of Uncle Floyd's classic compositions: Deep In The Heart of Jersey. Why this is not the official state song, I cannot imagine.
Wart Watch: Level 1